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Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people



Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”


The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.


Government refusing to confirm Black Death outbreak



The government continues to deny an imminent plague pandemic, despite disturbing warnings and signs that keep popping up.


Journalists are demanding to know why September 1-8 was suddenly chosen to be Black Death Awareness Week.


Households in Norwich were sent an inexplicable "bring out your dead" SMS with the added info that "collection is planned for Tuesdays". However, the National Health Service insists this is just a routine drill to keep people prepared for hypothetical health scares.


"We have to think of a worst case scenario" said an NHS spokesman, who also warned people not to be alarmed by the invitation to download the Report-a-Rat app.


Other concerned citizens have noticed public service announcements instructing them to pull over to the kerb when they see a cartload of putrefying corpses in their rear view mirror, reminding them that "plague victims have the right of way under the 1346 Road Traffic Act".


However, the police have called for calm, insisting this is just "part of our ongoing efforts to make Britain's roads safer and ensure smoother traffic flow".


Meanwhile, in London, council employees have been spotted marking crosses on doors, using a laser to keep a safe distance.


Most alarming of all, Boris Johnson has appeared in public wearing a beak-shaped plague mask. But his spokesman assured journalists that it's "more of a fashion statement, really - a metaphor for the toxic political environment that brought about his downfall".


When asked to comment, Mr Johnson was less than helpful. "Is that a giant bubo on your groin or are you just pleased to see me?", he quipped.


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