After the media scared parents into believing cots could die of nothing, and therefore also scaring them into buying more newspapers during the early 1990s, an investigation initiated by the government has concluded in record time.
After only 30 years, the inquiry - during which no government official was allowed to comment due to the ongoing inquiry - a full and clear report with no redactions has been released.
'This is the first time a government inquiry has been seen through to the end and made public in the proper way,' said Richard Pinner, who can't remember if he used to be an MP because it has been so long. 'When something tricky comes up which senior politicians of dubious integrity don't want to talk about because it makes them look even worse than they are, the government orders an inquiry into it, and the press can't ask them any more questions until the inquiry has concluded.
'Eventually, the public simply forget that something really serious happened, and stop caring.
'There are currently over 84,000 inquiries ongoing at a cost to the taxpayer of £37 Billion. It's your classic swindle. The government gets the public to pay for the public not to be told about really serious stuff the government screwed up. You know, which might be of great danger to the public, and certainly in the public interest.'
Commentators have said that no cots actually dying comes as a great relief. The only recommendation the report makes is to suggest that a subsequent inquiry should be opened into whether any cribs died.