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‘Conspiracy theorists don’t understand our capacity for cockups’, says Gov’t spokesman


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A spokesman for His Majesty’s Government has confirmed that most of the shenanigans blighting the news are genuine cockups rather than any masterful conspiracy by the illuminati.


“We do have conspiracies”, he said. “But they’re pretty mundane really – leak budget details to our pals so they can short the pound, wreck the NHS so our pals can privatise it, install Worzel Gummidge’s sister in No 10 so we can Bring Back Boris - that sort of thing. The rest of it is genuine accidents.


“We had no idea that the mini-budget would be quite so devastating because we didn’t ask anybody first. We honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about foodbanks – they seem like really nice places to visit, if you like that sort of thing. All the people bleating about their mortgages should sell a couple of their rentals if they’re running low on funds”.


When asked about claims that Russian money had penetrated the Conservative Party, the spokesman looked evasive before issuing a firm “Nyet”. So that’s all right then.



Government inspire BBC to revive 'Game for a Laugh'


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The BBC has announced plans for a new series of Game For A Laugh focused exclusively on the running of the Conservative Government.


There is suspicion filming may already have been running for some time, with rumour abound that Peter Beadle, the late host Jeremy's son, will in fact interrupt Liz Truss's speech today to let her know that her appointment as Prime Minister was only done at the request of her husband, who wanted her out of the house a bit more and thought it might be quite funny to install her as the country's most powerful person.


Primed to deliver the famous question to the PM, "are you game for a laugh?", Ms Truss is also unaware that Kwasi Kwarteng in fact is not the Cambridge educated economist and friend she has known for 20 years, but in fact his twin brother, Kevin, who was a full-time chef from Beckingham until the BBC had him installed as chancellor. Mr Kwarteng intends to walk out with Mr Beadle as he apparently 'can't wait' to see Ms Truss burst out laughing when she finds out.


"I'm looking forward to getting back to cooking again" enthused Mr Kwarteng, "I've found all these numbers a bit of a mystery to be honest. But then again, if you'd been unfortunate enough to be eating down the Beckingham Grand Hotel in the last six weeks, you'd have had Kwasi's cooking, and I think what I've done to the country pales into insignificance compared to that."



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