Government policy now entirely inspired by what is written on Arsenal shirts

Yet another leak from Number 10 has confirmed that the government has finally run out of innovative cruelty. To fill the gap demanded by British-based supporters of racism, the government will now purloin policy from whatever they notice written on the Gunners away kit.

'Visit Rwanda, seemed like a jolly good idea, so we posted Priti Patel there,' confirmed a spokeswoman unable to contain a smirk. 'Unfortunately, she was in possession of the nation's chequebook for a reason no one can explain and forked out for a ridiculously expensive flogging of children and an immigrant concentration camp.'

Critics of this latest round of government insanity have pointed out the obvious error. The Rwandan leadership paid Arsenal £30 million, and since the UK have now bunged Rwanda a £120 million sweetener, it is clear that Downing Street are now funding the North London team, who Keir Starmer supports.

Arsenal Football Club have denied that next week their shirts will feature an advert which reads 'Post your fixed penalty notices to Mozambique.'

Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE

The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'

image from pixabay

Government confident of a gold medal in the wine fridge bobsleigh

As the country's usual bunch of spineless losers try to work out how to put on a pair of snowboards, great things are expected from the British wine fridge team. The Sports Minister was positive about their chances. 'This is our chance to win gold and finally hold our heads high amongst the winter sporting elites.' 'We've invested massive amounts of funding in bringing ourselves to this point. We spent a hundred and forty-four quid on the wine fridge itself, thirty-four bottles of the 1975 Chateau Lafon Rochet at seventy-nine pounds a pop and two large suitcases from Tesco at £79.77 each.' 'Of course, we have to keep a wary out for the Italians and the French who are practically opening wine-fridges as soon as they can walk. However, our hard-working athletes have been working around the clock, learning how to strap themselves to the wine fridge and hurl themselves down the slippery, icy track of certain death. It's jolly exciting. The only thing that comes close is being chased around Poundland by a pair of Doberman Pinschers.' 'We've asked for the event to take place between 4 pm and 7 pm on a Friday when our team are at their peak of physical fitness.'

Bobsled Sports Winter Ice - Free photo on Pixabay