Govt: 'Clifftop rambles in force ten banned but tightrope walks on pylons still perfectly fine'

A spokesman for the government today announced new and immediate emergency legislation forbidding members of the public from walking along the very edge of all cliffs in a force ten gale. However, he did confirm it is still perfectly fine to perform a tightrope walk between two electricity pylons carrying a charge of up 400,000 volts while using a 12 foot aluminum balancing pole .

'It's very important people are aware of the dangers of walking along clifftops in high winds. They must understand that doing so is not advised under any circumstances and has now been outlawed,' said the spokesman, adding 'we must all play our part to protect everyone and minimise a possible tsunami of smashed-up people overrunning an NHS that is already at breaking point. That's the sort British spunk and sacrifice that saw us defeat Hitler after all.'

When one libertarian correspondent suggested the government was implementing a nanny state by stealth, the spokesman denied this, pointing out there were no plans currently to ban those wishing to indulge in, 'Festive high jinks and pranks at Christmas parties, for example. Parties still allowed despite a clamour of calls to the contrary.

'Boys will be boys, and of course as far as the PM is concerned, jolly larking around, as long as it's responsibly, with high voltages is fine. Nevertheless, we shall keep a close eye on the science here, although after the draconian measures of last year Boris feels the nation has earned the right to be cut just a little slack.'

image from pixabay

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Government denies that it's one rule for them and another rule for everyone else

The government has categorically denied that it’s one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.

'On the contrary,' said a spokesperson today, 'It’s one rule for us and literally millions of rules for everyone else. Definitely way more than one.'

According to government insiders, the one rule for them is:

'Do what you like and don’t get caught.'

Ministers agree that this is a simple, easy to follow, rule. It cuts down on internal bureaucracy, lets government get on with its business and, indeed, pleasure, unsupervised.

The myriad of rules for us include:

‘No sneezing without a hat’

‘No parties until we tell you’

‘Don’t ask stupid questions’

‘No cheese after 5pm on a Thursday, unless accompanied by a vicar.’ (This only applies in Berkshire)

‘No hairstyle jokes’

‘No bathing’

‘No dogs on skateboards’

For our convenience the government has collected these rules into a handy-sized booklets called ‘statutes’. There is a copy in the house of commons library but no one has read them because they don’t need to.

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Media declares Free News Story Day

The country's media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared 'Free News Story Day' - a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.

Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people's opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own 'story' to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government's response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists' discretion.

Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it 'the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results'. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.