Sexed-down dossier on Russian infiltration of British high streets declassified by UK government

In a pitiful bid to deflect media interest away from woeful governance in Britain, top secret files have been released which point to naughty Cold War tactics by Russia.

An unspecified Foreign Secretary camouflaged very well said without hardly doing any arm zinger movements, 'The Russians were active on Great British high streets during the 1980s and '90s, right under our noses.

'Millions of young children were influenced into Communist thinking through being bought playthings in a consumerist frenzy from the retailer Toys "R" Us. Our top codebreakers have cracked the secret code, and spotted that the R and Us spell 'Rus' which is short for Russia. They even put the R backwards, so we're in no doubt.

'Happily, pushback on Russia was strong from us plucky Brits. As you can see in the dossier papers which are definitely not just made up yesterday at about teatime, the 'U-Like' bit of Spud-U-Like is an anagram of UK lie.'

Hat tip to modelmaker

Moscow Spasskaya Tower St Basil'S - Free photo on Pixabay

Met Police found this almost humerus

Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously

'It's a fine balance, deciding between snogging strangers or people you work with,' admitted a government spokesman today. He also suggested that entering a busy, crowded pub has to be considered carefully before deciding 'sod it' and ditching the face mask and ordering shots for everyone twice.

'Try not to think about what you would do at home - that should be a relatively safe place as you're already living and sleeping with the people you meet,' he explained. 'Better to ask yourself, "what would I do at work?" before cracking open another bottle of wine and slinging it down your neck before fondling the woman from accounts and waving your willy in the air. It's what we do in Downing Street, anyway,' he explained.

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