Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump to annex Narnia

‘By rights, Narnia is American, wherever it is,’ President Trump told reporters yesterday. ‘A lot of people have never ever heard of this place, but it’s strategically important. By the way talking about ‘never ever’, I have my people looking into the little known region of Never Neverland, which is rich in precious minerals and ruled by pirates, probably Muslim, so according to my WhatsApp we’ll be sending reconnaissance forces to bomb the hell out of them, but that’s top secret at the moment, so any scumbag journalists in this press briefing, report that if you dare.’

He continued ‘On the Narnia thing, we understand they control their borders through a city called Wardrobe, or Warsaw or some such, and the disturbing thing is it’s a place where they lure children for goodness knows what perverted commie practices. There’s talk of witches so I don’t need to say any more. We’re looking at other little-known lands which by rights belong to the USA. For example if there’s a Greenland there’s probably a Blueland and maybe a Yellowland, we shall see. And there’s a tiny country called Lilliput, so small it doesn’t appear on a map, if you can believe that.

Image: b_forestsmith - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com