Greenland | NewsBiscuit

US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

Sep 8

The UN General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places. The Mercator map depicts Africa as similar in size to Greenland, even though it is 14 times larger.

Although most members voted to support the resolution, there were six abstentions. Only one country, geography specialists the USA, voted against the resolution.

When later asked why that was the case, United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Mike Waltz, said, 'I got a call from the US State Department, from Marco Rubio himself. The President isn't very happy that Greenland could be reduced in size as a result of this vote, so I was instructed to vote against.

'The United States needs Greenland to remain the size it is. If it gets smaller as a result of this vote, then we are no longer interested in buying it.'

When pressed if that meant that US international expansion had been stopped, Mr Waltz hesitated to continue: 'Well, uh, Africa starts and ends with the same letters as America does, so that means that... I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but, well, uh, America wants to buy Africa.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wear a paper bag over my head and go sit in a small closet in a locked, darkened room. Come get me when it's over.'

Image: Kyle Glenn (@kylejglenn) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Well, I'm fwickened

Lockjaw

Aug 9

FIFA to introduce 256 team World Cup

hokeyloki

Jul 25

After the 'overwhelming success of our 48 team World Cup', FIFA have announced that future tournaments will consist of 256 teams.

FIFA Head, Geniuso Infinitissimo, stated he was aware that there were fewer than 256 associations within FIFA but that a bigger tournament would surely 'stimulate more members, even beyond the FIFA boardroom'.

'It would be a huge boon to areas where football is hardly played like Antarctica and Sealand. Wouldn't it be brilliant for all the football players in those territories to play on proper pitches in half-full stadiums? Who wouldn't want to see a Vatican City team, or even the Isle of Wight?

In our discussions over reintroducing Russia to future tournaments, other suggestions such as South Ossetia, Transnistria and Donbas have been put forward and Mr Trump has also said Greenland could have their own team in the tournament if certain conditions are met. So we are confident that the 256 team target will be easily met and FIFA can help football become an even greater force for world peace'.

A FIFA spokesman also 'vehemently denied' that the proposal was being heavily pushed by Italy as a way of ensuring that they would qualify for the next Finals.

Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korea are celebrating tonight after an amazing win in the FIFA World Cup Final. Pyongyang's Rungrado 1st of May Stadium was packed out as the hosts beat an Argentina side, consisting of some very dark Eastern-Asian-looking players, in a 15 goal thriller.

The 15 - 0 score just shows how amazing the North Korean team has become since winning the last one, and their top scorer, Kim Jong Un, came down from the Royal Box to score 9 goals in the last three minutes.

Accepting the trophy from himself, Kim, told the captive spectators that this was a sure sign that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was the greatest country in the world. The crowd celebrated long into the night before they were released to go back to their homes to prepare for an early start.

H/T: dominicmcg

Image: WixAI

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