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    • stewartbarclay
      • Oct 31, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Devil to claim souls of leading Tories at Halloween

    Updated: Jan 12


    With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.


    ‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.


    A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’


    Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.


    Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’


    photo: https://pixabay.com/users/nyfrese-4670772/









    "Shambling incompetence is the new normal" announces Downing Street

    One great read

    Fears rise in the U.S. of invasion by the U.S.


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    • Sarah Tipper
      • Oct 10, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Spiders Say Pressure to be Photogenic in Autumn is Oppressive

    Updated: Nov 21, 2021



    Spiders have today complained of the unrealistic pressures put on them at this time of year to appear photogenic and a bit spooky. They claim they are being exploited as a pictorial shorthand for autumn. European garden spider Janet Spinner told us that keeping all eight of your legs looking adequately hairy and your abdomen an attractive shade of brown is exhausting.

    Janet goes on to complain "You just pop to the middle of your web to wrap a fly in silk to let it mature for later and flash, you’ve been captured with your bum in the air and a look of intense concentration on your face. What with not having eyelids to cover your eight eyes it’s a right pain when you’re constantly alert for some lolloping human pointing a camera at you. Once Halloween is over we breathe a sigh of relief. Spiders don’t owe you spooky you know."

    Image: Pixabay/Schmidsi



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