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Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween



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Nigel Farage today called for the banning of all vampire and Dracula based imagery and costumes due to the characters Romanian roots.


'We have perfectly fine Great British ghosts, ghouls and witches,' he told journalists, 'why should we be celebrating a foreign character with a history of easily evading customs as a bat as well as creating significant numbers of further vampires demanding British blood.'


Mr Farage also went on to forge links with the Romanian Traveler community and vampiric tradition stating that there may even be encampments of vampires on "our beautiful British village greens" by November 1st.


'There's nothing wrong with a white sheet with eye holes, and I say white without fear of reprimand,' he went on, 'or a good old fashion witch primed and ready for dunking in a local river. Great days.'


We have approached Reform's Head Office for guidance on Zombies, Demons, Mummies and Axe Murderers. Guidance was issued that 'sexy' costumes would remain under close scrutiny.


Photo by Loren Cutler on Unsplash

Spiders Say Pressure to be Photogenic in Autumn is Oppressive


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Spiders have today complained of the unrealistic pressures put on them at this time of year to appear photogenic and a bit spooky. They claim they are being exploited as a pictorial shorthand for autumn. European garden spider Janet Spinner told us that keeping all eight of your legs looking adequately hairy and your abdomen an attractive shade of brown is exhausting.

Janet goes on to complain "You just pop to the middle of your web to wrap a fly in silk to let it mature for later and flash, you’ve been captured with your bum in the air and a look of intense concentration on your face. What with not having eyelids to cover your eight eyes it’s a right pain when you’re constantly alert for some lolloping human pointing a camera at you. Once Halloween is over we breathe a sigh of relief. Spiders don’t owe you spooky you know."




First published 10 Oct 2021


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Summerween and air conditioning properly a thing now

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One consequence of climate change is that Summerween, the celebration of Halloween when it's actually warm, and considering getting air conditioning is properly a thing now. The average British consumer started thinking about air conditioning just after heatwave two, and also finds their purse stretched by pink skulls and piles of pastel pumpkins. It all feels like a dream where Count Dracula in Bermuda shorts is offering you blood orange flavour ice cream, and you’re very hot so you lick it, and then he says got you.


You look around your house, and you have a big white box throwing out cold and eating up your money even though you don't want to be part of the energy use problem. But you also want to sleep and to stop peeling bits of yourself off a leather sofa like in 1976 when the seats of an Austin Princess wanted to hang on to the backs of your legs, and you wanted to escape into the cool air of a Bejam's chest freezer.


In later stages of the dream a lilac coloured ghost is asking you to explain what a BTU is, while a cloud of lemon yellow bats fly round your room and Frankenstein’s creation wearing sandals and Speedos is in your kitchen eating biscuits from a light green jar shaped like his own head and muttering about late-stage capitalism.


It’s not doom and gloom for all sectors of British society however, pastel Goths are delighted with the unseasonal access to spooky stuff in mainstream shops. They are not trying to remember that a BTU (British Thermal Unit, the best thermal units in the world) is the amount of energy needed to heat one pound of water by one degree Fahrenheit. They are looking at which duvet cover and cushions covered in skulls/pumpkins/ghosts/bats best create their vibe.



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