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Free STARMER QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers



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Image credit: Wix AI

NewsBiscuit: Best of January 2025


January 2025


Yes, that’s right. It was only a year ago that Donald Trump was indicted as US President. Sorry, inducted. I’m getting ahead of myself. One of the new president’s first acts was to rename the Gulf of Mexico. It’s good to be clear about your priorities. And he blamed LA for setting itself on fire. And he was already trying to grab Greenland. Back then, Donald was still friends with billionaire donor Elon Musk. How times have changed. Elon had money to burn, and proved it by blowing up another of his rockets. Is it SpaceX or Ex-Space?


In UK politics, Keir tells Elon Musk that he’s ‘crossed a line’ by spreading lies and misinformation about grooming gangs on X. One year later, and we’re still waiting for Keir to do something about Elon and X. In Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon announced the end of her marriage to police favourite, Peter Murrell.


The state of the economy continued to be an issue in the UK. The PM’s solution was to big up the opportunities presented by AI, which we now know are mainly about making nude pictures of people. In the courts, a woman successfully contested fines of £2,000 for five minutes parking. She had been unable to pay because there was no mobile phone signal. In 2026, you have to pay that sort of money to drop someone off at the airport, and that’s apparently still legal.


In sport, Luke Littler was tilting for his first major title. Too many beers?


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from January 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


USA News


UK news


Social issues


Other news



Headlines


US news

Trump and Musk prove two wrong 'uns do make an extreme right

JFK Assassination files recovered from Trump’s bathroom

Space between Trump’s ears renamed Gulf of America

LA residents regret using Tinder


The world of work

Australian tailor is making great strides

Bogus chiropractor was just pulling my leg

Criminal who represented himself doesn't do himself justice

Gardener put on gardening leave feels a bit hard done by


UK politics

Labour hope Artificial Intelligence can replace Actual Incompetence

Liz Truss adamant that the economy crashed into her

Nicola Sturgeon finally achieves independence


And finally...

Luke Littler - If I win, I’ll stop cutting my own hair

Supermodels call for third runway at London Fashion Week

Greenland offers to sell Denmark

Inventor of ultra-velcro said it was "hard to pull off"

Custard pies - do they strike you as funny?




Image credit: deep dream generator

Random story generator deployed at The Sun



It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse.


Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:


A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.


Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].


[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”


We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.



Author: Landfill


First published 8 Oct 2021


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