WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.

image from pixabay

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'Being shaken by the lapels has damaged my health' says Eastenders' Ian Beale

Eastenders stalwart, Adam Woodyatt, who plays Ian Beale in the long-running soap, has revealed that he has been diagnosed with early-stage dementia due to having been regularly seized by the lapels and shaken violently by various co-stars throughout his 70 years playing the divisive character.

It is estimated that Woodyatt, 87, has been shaken by the lapels more than 3000 times by over 50 characters, including, Dirty Den, both Mitchell brothers, Nasty Nick, and even, on one memorable occasion, by Dot Cotton after he attempted to avoid paying for a service wash in the launderette.

Woodyatt told the Radio Times: 'I noticed that I'd been forgetting my lines recently and was having trouble remembering where I'd parked the car. On the advice of friends, I visited my GP who broke the news that I have early-stage dementia due to being shaken all the time. I suppose it's a bit like Shaken Baby Syndrome for older people. I haven't started wandering off during the night in my dressing gown and slippers just yet, but it won't be long before I do I don't suppose'.

An Eastenders insider said last night: 'I'm sorry to hear that Adam's in shit state, but that's the price you can expect to pay for playing an irritating fucknut like Beale.

Government’s 'Name your own Covid variant' scheme a runaway success

The Government launched initiative has proved popular with the milling masses. People are naming new variants after their pets, the Fido and Tiddles Covid variant being particularly prevalent. Personalised ‘Artisan’ names are to be made available via auction by the DVLA. Custom face masks will be provided with their chosen variant name printed in large letters to show off how superior they are to their sub species public in general. One Minister said that plebs will be able to buy them as gifts to unloved ones, should they survive.