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Sadiq Khan to impose 20mph limit on airport runways

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Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that he will impose a 20mph speed limit on runways at all London airports.


”The aviation industry is one of the biggest contributors to global warming,” said the diminutive extortionist. “It’s only right that we milk them shamelessly, and claim it’s all to help the environment, or something.”


When one of his advisors pointed out that planes literally have to go faster than 20mph or they can’t generate enough lift to take off, Khan replied “Exactly! Think how much we’ll rake in when every single plane sets off the camera!


”Or if the airlines just decide not to use London airports, then that’ll stop the exodus of rich people from London - it’s win-win.”


However, it’s been pointed out that only two of the so-called “London airports” - London City and Heathrow - are actually in London, and therefore subject to the dictator’s whims. This raises the interesting prospect that the super-rich may have to use Stansted, Luton or even Southend Airport when fleeing the country.


Socialite Iguana del Prada is said to have been “taken aback” when the check-in clerk at Southend greeted her “Awright Princess, just getcher luggage up on the scale then, luv” and frankly insulted by the suggestion she might have packed it herself.


image from pixabay


MI6 Delay Tehran Nuclear Efforts By Using British Project Managers

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New head of MI6 Blaise Metreweli has unveiled her first success as "C" within the secretive organisation; the successful delay of Iran's Nuclear Weapons programme through the covert installation of UK-trained project managers with experience of major infrastructure projects into the regime.


"I'm very happy to disclose the effectiveness of Operation Gantt," said SIS Spokesperson Harriet Palmerston at a Press Conference today. "Recruiting people to the intelligence services used to be a tap on a shoulder in an Oxbridge College following lectures; nowadays it's the corridors of a civil engineering firm after yet another status meeting announcing a schedule slip. We identified several potential agents due to their natural ability to obfuscate and leave teams hamstrung. Thanks to special training in sounding promising but delivering little delivered by former contestants on The Apprentice, these operatives have been able to keep Tehran a year from having an atomic bomb for the past decade."


Palmerston then explained the next steps for the operation, "With their work largely concluded due to the military action in the area now removing Iran's capability to enrich uranium, these people have been extracted and will be returned to their roles in the Civil Service delivering such projects as the Lower Thames Crossing and Heathrow's Third Runway. It's felt some of the managerial techniques they've picked up while deployed, such as beatings and ritual beheadings, are just the kind of motivational tactics these programs need to really get them moving."


image from pixabay


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