Man happily surprised to find out all fast track places sold at airport

Martin Bosworth's annual stress-inducing trip to the Algarve, accompanied by his wife and at least three children he recognises, was expecting the stress to be off the scale this morning when he turned up at the airport, realising he hadn't remembered to book a fast-track place in the security queue.

'I'd been advised to book in advance for a fiver, then the one and a half hour wait should have been cut to five minutes, tops,' he said to reporters today. 'When we walked in we immediately took our place behind the half mile long snake of a queue, but were approached by an official who wanted to see our fast track booking reference. When I explained I hadn't booked fast track he forced us to leave the queue and stand in the non-fast track alongside, comprising of three people. Through in minutes,' he said beaming.

'Now all I need to do is arrange to have my baggage lost, trampled by a tractor and sent to the wrong continent. Then - I can relax,' he said.

Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’