Heathrow to lay off pointless extra security staff

Heathrow Airport announced today that it was laying off the pointless extra security staff who stand around gossiping while you go through security.

"For a long time, we've run airport security on a system of three working, two gossiping at any one time" explained a spokesman today. "As anyone who's flown out of a British airport will know.

"And obviously, there's a time-honoured convention that if they take your suitcase aside to check something, they should have a good old catch up about each others' weekends first, especially if your plane's already boarding.

"But margins are tight, and we have to take the unusual step of laying off people who aren't doing anything useful."

The move is not thought to be popular with staff, who are said to prefer the gossiping part of their jobs to the working part.

"We did consider evening things out by losing one worker and one gossipper, but then who would the remaining one gossip with? Though I suppose they could be on their phone instead..."

Image: djedj - Pixabay

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Man happily surprised to find out all fast track places sold at airport

Martin Bosworth's annual stress-inducing trip to the Algarve, accompanied by his wife and at least three children he recognises, was expecting the stress to be off the scale this morning when he turned up at the airport, realising he hadn't remembered to book a fast-track place in the security queue.

'I'd been advised to book in advance for a fiver, then the one and a half hour wait should have been cut to five minutes, tops,' he said to reporters today. 'When we walked in we immediately took our place behind the half mile long snake of a queue, but were approached by an official who wanted to see our fast track booking reference. When I explained I hadn't booked fast track he forced us to leave the queue and stand in the non-fast track alongside, comprising of three people. Through in minutes,' he said beaming.

'Now all I need to do is arrange to have my baggage lost, trampled by a tractor and sent to the wrong continent. Then - I can relax,' he said.

Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’