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Hollywood writers strike ends happily ever after


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In an unsurprising plot twist the strike has ended with the writers defeating Darth Vadar, escaping the Shawshank Prison and finding the lost Ark of the Covenant. Audiences claimed the resolution all seemed a bit implausible, yet the writers argued it could not be worse than the last season of Game of Thrones.


The strike itself, threatened to be as long as Avatar. Explained one author: 'It was a heart-warming story of boy meets girl, boy forms a trade union, while girl says something irrelevant about equal pay.'


It is still be seen if writers will ever use vowels ever again. Plus, there is still the threat of AI staff, although all their scripts end with Sarah Connor dying. Whereas this final agreement has a sled tossed into a fireplace with the phrase “streaming residuals” marked on it.




The psychopath did it



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In a stunning turn of unforeseen events, Hollywood has made a blockbuster film where a character called Slashy Killman displays overt psychopathic behaviour from the outset, and then it turns out he committed a series of brutal murders.


'I just didn't see it coming,' said Gretchen Gates, a regular moviegoer from Los Angeles. 'Normally, the plots are baseline formulaic, so as not to flicker our brains into any level of contemplation, but this has blown my mind. It's so clever how it turned out it was the psychopath all along. I can't wait to see where they take it in the prequel.'



Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer's ‘essay’

Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man's struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is - 'They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem'.

Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.

His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron's manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title 'Starmer: My life in the House of Lords'.

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