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The government has been thrown into confusion after PM Rishi Sunak appeared to announce that Suella Braverman is to be the new Home Secretary.
When asked how she could be the new Home Secretary when she was already the Home Secretary there was an awkward pause before Sunak had a flunky issue a statement:
'Remember that time - less than a year ago - when Suella Braverman leaked classified documents and had to resign, but was then reinstated 6 days later, just to assuage the swivel-eyed loons? Well, in that spirit, Rishi is delighted to re-re-re-re-re-instate Ms Braverman and I'm sure she'll do an excellent job, this time.' The flunky was seen to cross his fingers at this point. 'She will be just as excellent as she was last time.'
The Home Secretary was clear, the last 30 years of screwing around with immigration, was just the beginning. 'The only way to a mend a thing, is to destroy it. You can't make an omelette without breaking some human rights.
'If anything, we need to smash it some more, we haven't hit rock bottom yet. We propose to restrict asylum to leap years, only. Applicants will have to pass a basic criteria - they must have a second cousin called Rufus, be able to quote from Pliny the Elder, name all the members of the Justice League and can whistle the tune to the Dambusters - backwards.
'We've 4,000 people crammed into a processing centre designed for 1,600 - but that just proves how popular our system is. We just need a few more tweaks and we can have a functioning version of Battle Royale.'
image from pixabay
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