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Public demands more honours returned

Now that Paula Vennells has agreed to return her CBE, the public has got the bit between its teeth.

'There are loads of honours that aren't deserved, just handed out like sweeties to their mates,' said a public who asked not to be named.  'We've got what we wanted from Paula Vennells. Now we want all the useless twats that got honours from Liz Truss to hand those back too - in recognition of the pain and distress caused by Liz Truss and reign of error. I mean, terror. No, actually, error works fine.'


'The list is just embarrassing.  Three life peerages, a KBE and two DBEs, two CBEs, two OBEs and an MBE. That's just mad.  The only one that looks sensible in the whole damn lot is the DBE for Shirley Conran, for founding the Maths Anxiety Trust.  That's as close to an apology as we are going to get from Liz Truss.'




Camilla's spirit animal gets made a Dame



"She writes about horsey types who don't do much with their lives except commit adultery, so why wouldn't the new queen like her?" said a spokesman for the government's Honours Committee. "Jilly has modelled more or less all her female characters on Camilla and in return, Camilla sees Jilly as her spirit animal," he continued.


"Why should that entitle a smutty hack writer like Cooper to a damehood? I hear you ask.


"It shouldn't. Of course, it shouldn't. But we've been taking the piss for years, here on the Honours Committee.


"You should have guessed that when we made Jacob Rees-Mogg a knight and Michelle Mone a peer. But we don't want to bring the system into total disrepute, so next year we will be raising the bar by making Cynthia Payne the posthumous Archbishop of Canterbury and giving the Order of Merit to Mr Blobby."



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