Post Office to reduce prison deliveries to only three times a week

'Acting on a recommendation from Ofcom, we will be reducing our deliveries of innocent sub-postmasters to jail down to three times a week,' a Post Office spokes-stamp told reporters.

'I know this may inconvenience some people, such as lawyers, who have been earning themselves a fortune over the past two decades by getting blameless Post Office franchisees put away on every day except Sunday.

'However, the costs of continuing a six-day-a-week, nationwide imprisonment operation are untenable.

'So if you are the kind of sadistic Nazis - or "lawyers", as we call them - who want to see their friendly local sub-postmaster behind bars, you'll just have to wait an extra couple of days for your vile wishes to be fulfilled.'

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader

A move to demand the resignation of Sir Ed Davey as leader of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that he was postal affairs minister for two years during the Horizon/subpostmasters scandal, has foundered on the realisation that there’s literally no one to replace him.

”It’s true,” admitted a Lib Dem spokesman. “Every Lib Dem you’ve ever heard of has already been leader of the party. There’s just no one left.

”We thought for a moment about that smiley woman who’s MP for Brighton, Caroline something... but then someone remembered she’s actually in the Green Party. I always get them confused with us.”

The spokesman was asked whether he wouldn’t fancy giving the leadership a go himself, but it turned out he was Tim Farron, who’d already been party leader from 2015-17. (The reporter later commented “No wonder I didn’t recognise him.”)

This left no one to ask but the lady who works in the canteen, who looked awkward for a moment, then said “Look, I’m more than happy to work here, but to be honest I’ve always voted Labour. Now stop bothering me, or I’ll never get these vegan quiches finished in time.”

image from pixabay

Stamp-ing out Post Office injustice

After buying some Post-its from cashier number 4 please, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst attempted to clarify the Government's position on the Post Office's Horizon IT scandal:

'As a rule, the Conservative Party is all about ruining people's lives, and we certainly couldn't care less if the wrong people are in jail. Actually, this scandal was briefly mistaken for government policy. However, now that there has been a sympathetic ITV drama, we must be seen to pretend to care.'

'In fact, Rishi Sunak is keen to keep the name of former Post Office chief executive Paula Vennells in the news, as she's one of the few people in the UK now more unpopular than he is. To "punish" her, we will take the CBE away from the CEO. Taking away that valueless trinket ought to really show we mean business - it will give the victims their freedom, reputations and lives back. We won't take away her money or put her in jail though. That's for little people.' 

A Met Police statement said 'We are sorry for whichever particular miscarriage of justice this is. Not sorry enough to have investigated it thoroughly at the time or in the years later, but exactly sorry enough to look into it now that ITV have made it embarrassing that we haven't. And also done all the detective work for us.' 

Hootington-Hurst added 'Compensation is still a little way over the Horizon. Cheque's in the post.'

Queen Elizabeth Ii English - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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