Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

While the inquiry into the Horizon IT scandal continues its work, the Post Office has now admitted that the accounting system prior to Horizon may itself have been faulty. Abacus seemed at first glance to be a relatively straightforward rod and bead apparatus, but sub-postmasters have revealed they had their doubts about its accuracy soon after it was installed.

Raj Williams, who ran a small village post office, said problems started almost immediately after he received his Abacus from Post Office Counters. 'It just didn’t add up,' he told us. 'I’d be pushing these beads about for each transaction and at the end of the day what was on the Abacus didn’t match what I had in the till. I rang the Help Desk but they completely ticked me off. Told me to pick it up and put it down again.'

Meanwhile, The Post Office concedes there might have been an issue with sum devices, but insists nobody is making a drama out of it and any compensation due will be tabulated in the usual way.

A spokesperson for Fujitsu commented, 'At least we’re not in the frame for this one.'

Photo by Kati Hoehl on Unsplash

Post Office to reduce prison deliveries to only three times a week

'Acting on a recommendation from Ofcom, we will be reducing our deliveries of innocent sub-postmasters to jail down to three times a week,' a Post Office spokes-stamp told reporters.

'I know this may inconvenience some people, such as lawyers, who have been earning themselves a fortune over the past two decades by getting blameless Post Office franchisees put away on every day except Sunday.

'However, the costs of continuing a six-day-a-week, nationwide imprisonment operation are untenable.

'So if you are the kind of sadistic Nazis - or "lawyers", as we call them - who want to see their friendly local sub-postmaster behind bars, you'll just have to wait an extra couple of days for your vile wishes to be fulfilled.'

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader

A move to demand the resignation of Sir Ed Davey as leader of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that he was postal affairs minister for two years during the Horizon/subpostmasters scandal, has foundered on the realisation that there’s literally no one to replace him.

”It’s true,” admitted a Lib Dem spokesman. “Every Lib Dem you’ve ever heard of has already been leader of the party. There’s just no one left.

”We thought for a moment about that smiley woman who’s MP for Brighton, Caroline something... but then someone remembered she’s actually in the Green Party. I always get them confused with us.”

The spokesman was asked whether he wouldn’t fancy giving the leadership a go himself, but it turned out he was Tim Farron, who’d already been party leader from 2015-17. (The reporter later commented “No wonder I didn’t recognise him.”)

This left no one to ask but the lady who works in the canteen, who looked awkward for a moment, then said “Look, I’m more than happy to work here, but to be honest I’ve always voted Labour. Now stop bothering me, or I’ll never get these vegan quiches finished in time.”

image from pixabay