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Your September Horoscope, by Toxic Meg



Aries: This month you will become confused when the voices in your head start speaking to you in French, with a Scottish accent.


Taurus: As a result of a long overdue rationalisation of the stellar houses, yours is one of two zodiac signs that will be phased out by the end of the year. Unless you suggest an alternate sign, you will be provided with a new stellar profile in the next six weeks by email or SMS. Ensure that you comply with your new sign characteristics: fines will be incurred for repeated infringements.


Gemini: When someone gives you advice telling you to ‘just be yourself’, ignore them. Try being someone more interesting, with better personal hygiene.


Cancer: As Venus enters your sign without knocking, you will be inspired to take a bakery course at your local college. You will develop a crush on the handsome tutor, but don’t get too carried away – he may compliment you on the firmness of your baps, but he won’t be impressed by your crusty bloomers.


Leo: This month, you can tell me my fortune for a change. Everything doesn’t always have to be about you, you know!


Virgo: As the moon comes full circle in your sign, something from your recent past will resurface which will have a significant effect on your future. You should have deleted your internet search history, you pillock!


Libra: Go on. You know you want to. What harm can it do?


Scorpio: A plan to seduce your attractive next-door neighbour by regularly hanging your sexiest underwear on your washing line where he can see it is doomed to failure. You will realise this when you receive a letter from the local council informing you that he has made an official complaint about your plus-sized pants blocking all the sunlight from his garden.


Sagittarius: You'll never walk alone. Hang on, there’s a smudge in Uranus. That changes everything - you'll never w@nk alone.


Capricorn: You'll find yourself giving heartfelt thanks to South West Trains and the RMT around the middle of the month, when a mysterious villain ties you to railway tracks outside Goring-on-Sea, but thanks to industrial action and industrial incompetence you find you have 17 hours to wriggle free before the first train arrives.


Aquarius: You will become a social media sensation with 55m followers after you invent the controversial TikTok challenge known as ‘pancaking’, where you video yourself balancing on the tip of the Shard. However, once your remains are peeled off the pavement (hence the name), you will promptly be forgotten.


Pisces: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Take the antibiotics 4 times a day, for 2 weeks. Return to the STI clinic if symptoms persist.’


Hat tips go to:


FlashArry – Taurus

Sinnick – Leo

lockjaw – Libra

SteveB – Sagittarius

sirlupus - Capricorn

sydalg – Aquarius




Your August Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.



Aries: This month the wind will change while you’re doing your sex face, and you’ll stick like it. Fortunately, you’ll be alone when it happens. You can’t go out looking like that, you’ll scare old ladies. Stay at home, and wait for Tomasz Schafernaker to issue a hurricane warning.


Taurus: The person who loves you more than life itself, who would die or kill for you, will be by your side every day, all day. Honestly, stalkers nowadays just laugh at restraining orders.


Gemini: As Venus enters your sign on all fours, a chance encounter with a handsome stranger leads to romance. This will be followed by a trip to the chemist the next day to buy the morning after pill, an appointment at the clap clinic a few weeks later, and a lecture from the STI nurse who will call you a daft tw@t for not using the willy wellies she gave you last time.


Cancer: You will run into an old friend this month. Sadly, you’ll be driving a car and he’ll be crossing the road when it happens. Euggh!


Leo: Due to an Electoral Roll cock-up, a beloved pet will be called up for jury service, and through a sequence of ludicrous events will end up being elected Foreman. This may result in friction when they return to the family home and expect a greater say in the decisions affecting the house. However, you will be spared this upheaval if your pet is a goldfish as they will have forgotten all about this on the taxi journey home from the court. Your significant colour this month will be Unassuming Beige #21 on the Pantone scale.


Virgo: Your dream of becoming a successful travel writer comes true this month, when your review of a bed and breakfast in Shitterton gets 2 likes on TripAdvisor.


Libra: Nope, I’ve got nothing for you this month. Don't let that bother you. Well, not too much anyway. Mind you, the last person I said that to didn't get his affairs in order, and look where he is now! There's always the chance you might be okay, possibly, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Oh, that's what happened to the last guy. Oops!


Scorpio: The planets have an important message for you; ‘You matter. Don’t give up!’ No, sorry – I read that wrong. It actually says, ‘You don’t matter. Give up!’.


Sagittarius: A little bird tells me that you believe horoscopes are not real, and it's all made up. After your head becomes jammed between two awkwardly parked Volkswagen Beetles on Church Road at 11:34 next Thursday morning, your faith in astrology will be restored like never before.


Capricorn: Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Just not as often.


Aquarius: As Saturn enters your house of employment, you will feel slighted when someone in a position of authority fails to recognise the value of your input at work. Consider these words from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, ‘The work is its own reward.’ Conan Doyle did NOT say, ‘If your boss annoys you, p!ss in his desk drawer.’ Expect a call from the HR department soon.


Pisces: Thank you for visiting the Newsbiscuit horoscopes page. Your visit is important to us. An astrologer will deliver your horoscope shortly. Thank you for waiting. You are next in the queue…



Contributions from and hat tips to:


sydalg – Taurus

lockjaw – Cancer

FlashArry – Leo

Sinnick – Libra

SteveB – Sagittarius.

Your July Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.



Aries: Pluto entering Aquarius means you'll be changing your surroundings and getting used to smaller-scale accommodation. You shouldn't have brought that bag of ‘artisan baking powder’ through Heathrow for your friend.


Taurus: As Venus enters your sign sideways, you will either have an interesting conversation in a dentist’s waiting room with a hygienist called Helga, or boring sex in a biodegradable yurt with a fudge packer called Frank. The planets haven’t decided which, yet.


Gemini: I know what you did next summer.


Cancer: This month looks set to be full of surprises, including an unexpected gift from someone special! Oh bugger, I wasn’t supposed to mention that bit! Oh well, it will be a sh!t present anyway, so at least now you’ll have time to practice pretending to be delighted.


Leo: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Free 2ltr bottle of Pepsi with every pizza order over £25’.


Virgo: Really hard to believe you're a Virgo! Anyway, here goes: you will go out, meet a tall dark handsome stranger, then go back to his place for a night of rampant, shameless shagging. For you girls, same as above. Basically, same as last month.


Libra: On your way to work, you will encounter a busker who is singing a song that is all about you. It’s uncanny how much he knows about you. Could it have something to do with you losing your diary recently? Let’s hope he doesn’t get to the bit where you shagged your brother-in-law in the wardrobe last Christmas.


Scorpio: You will suddenly come into a large sum of money. Lose the shotgun, ditch the mask and run, you pillock!


Sagittarius: You will be prosecuted by the RSPCA for animal cruelty this month, after your emotional support dog suffers a nervous breakdown and starts smoking crack. Maybe you should stick to telling your problems to a goldfish in future.


Capricorn: There is a reason why products bear a ‘Keep out of the reach of children’ warning. The good news is they won't be your kids.


Aquarius: A rare alignment of the planets is about to bring good fortune into every area of your life! Hang on a minute – sorry, I’ve got the wrong address. This prediction was meant to be delivered to the woman next door, not to you. I left your prediction by your bins while you were out, but with the way your luck’s been going lately, someone has probably nicked it.


Pisces: We are sorry, but we are unable to deliver your horoscope, as there is a fee to pay. To arrange delivery, please visit www.gullible-twat/megs-holiday-fund.comand enter your credit card details.

Hat tips go to:


sydalg – Aries

SteveB – Gemini

Sinnick – Virgo

FlashArry – Scorpio

lockjaw – Capricorn




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