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Your April Horoscope, by Toxic Meg



Aries: This month’s full moon will compel you to climb on top of your neighbour’s shed, take all your clothes off, and adopt a cruciform pose. Just like you did last month.


Taurus: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback when you receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter from lawyers representing Huw Edwards, ordering you to stop sending him your soiled underwear in the post. You will feel heartbroken, until a few days later when your romantic hopes are revived as you spot one of your lacy pink g-strings sticking out of Huw’s pocket as he presents the 10 O’Clock News.


Gemini: While imbibing the blood of a virgin, you will be distracted by the thought, 'Did I leave the gas on back at the crypt?'


Cancer: Saturn in your 4th house indicates there is cat sick in your future.


Leo: Once in every generation there is a rare and magical alignment of the planets, which results in the birth of a remarkable and talented human being who is a special gift to mankind. No, I’m not talking about you – you were a mistake that happened when your parents got p!ssed on Blue Nun at a swingers party.


Virgo: No way. How many men & women have you said that to?


Libra: The planets have an important message for you: ‘apply to the affected area 3 times a day, until the rash disappears’. No, hang on - that’s my prescription…


Scorpio: You wonder how my predictions have been so frighteningly accurate and personal - do I truly have the gift, or is it because I am stalking you? Leave them all, come with me before the voices in my head turn against you. An unexpected journey is on the cards - one way or another.


Sagittarius: As Mercury turns his back on you, you will buy a loaf of bread and discover that all the slices have the face of Jesus on them. Your local newspaper will run a story about it which goes viral, but you will be ridiculed when tests show the face depicted in the bread is actually that of Russell Brand.


Capricorn: It’s not your fault, Capricorn – how were you supposed to know that public toilet had been converted into a newsagent’s? At least the pile of newspapers in the corner helped to soak some of it up.


Aquarius: You have a big choice to make this week. It may comfort you to know that whatever you opt for will be wrong.


Pisces: As Jupiter enters your sign sideways, the finger of fate will point at you. That’s not good news – you’ll be in a police line-up when it happens.


H/Ts: SteveB, Sinnick, FlashArry, Lockjaw


Your February Horoscope, by Toxic Meg



Aries: Mars in your 7th house indicates you will give a presentation at work which will go well. Unfortunately, you’ll realise later that you had a pube stuck between your front teeth the whole time.


Taurus: Your natural fear of water parks prevents you from being near dolphins. But when a mysterious stranger offers you one round the back of Wetherspoons in Guildford tomorrow, be cautious and check the blowhole for lost nipple clamps.


Gemini: Jupiter indicates the path to your future will be covered in dog sh*t.


Cancer: You will finally discover who has been stealing underwear from your washing line when you see your next-door neighbour through their bedroom window, wearing your matching bra and pants. You will decide not to confront them about it, because you’ll be embarrassed by the fact that he looks much better in them than you did.


Leo: Armageddon starts next month, creating a brilliant buyers’ market. So until then, go light on cyclic industrials, get rid of small caps, hold on to your blue chips and remember: “Cash is king!”


Virgo: Saturn in your house of cards urges you to go outside and reconnect with nature. Go to a local park and become one with the trees. If a dog p*sses up your leg, you’ll know you’re doing it right.


Libra: Probably best to pick your most attainable item from your Bucket List. Hint: don't make it a parachute jump.


Scorpio: You will try out a Mary Berry recipe for fairy cakes, but you’ll realise you’ve gone wrong somewhere when you end up cooking crystal meth instead. It’s not Mary’s fault, she does say it’s important to follow the recipe exactly. Dodgy Dave down the pub reckons crystal meth is even more addictive than Mary’s fairy cakes, so he’ll help you to shift it if you cut him in on the deal.


Sagittarius: Neptune in your sign inspires you to copy Taylor Swift’s hairstyle. Unfortunately, it won’t make you look like Taylor Swift - but you’ll be a dead ringer for Jimmy Saville.


Capricorn: Good news! You will legally avoid having to pay any tax, child maintenance or train fares throughout 2023. However, the slight downside is that Earth will be obliterated by an asteroid next week. Swings & roundabouts, swings & roundabouts.


Aquarius: Venus told me to tell you the bloke who works in Wetherspoons fancies you. You know the really good looking one? Well, it’s not him – it’s the short, fat, bald one with the glass eye and a limp.


Pisces: Statistically speaking, you could die today - so why are you reading this tripe? Go out and live what remains of your life as if this is your last day. We can do looking sheepish tomorrow when you are in front of the magistrate.


Hat tips go to:


SteveB – Taurus

dogular - Leo

lockjaw – Libra

Sinnick – Capricorn

FlashArry – Pisces



Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg




Aries: As Neptune enters your sign from behind, the bloke at work who always smells like Sugar Puffs will offer you one of his home-made tuna & mayo sandwiches. Don’t take it - it’s not mayo.


Taurus: The portents indicate that you are living the dream - but unfortunately, it's the dream where you are running naked across Hampstead Heath pursued by the Quorn hunt wearing Noel Edmunds masks and riding fire-spitting rainbow unicorns. You might want to consider laying off the sauce for a while, or at least take a bit more water with it, sunshine.


Gemini: Tomorrow you will receive your personal unicorn cantering in the sunlit uplands. Jeez, you're gullible.


Cancer: As the moon enters the third quarter, you will discover the inspirational tattoo you had done on your arm in Chinese symbols doesn’t mean what you think it does. It actually means ‘he who bums cats’.


Leo: Neptune in your sign inspires you to open a hipster café, which serves nothing but rice pudding garnished with shavings of bookie’s pencil, served in a flat cap. You pretentious tw@t.


Virgo: You'll find yourself fighting in the Russian army on a desolate battlefield at -20°C, wondering how you got there. Oh, and you'll discover you're not wearing trousers.


Libra: Avoid dogging sites until Uranus has passed through Virgo.


Scorpio: Yes Scorpio, it sucks being a mere arthropod when most of the other signs are glamorous, highly evolved mammals with their arses high in your sky. But the great Babylonian god Marduk was originally considering creating your star sign as a porcine tapeworm, so get over it.


Sagittarius: It becomes apparent to all that your spirit guide resides in a bottle of Jack Daniels.


Capricorn: As Leo enters your house of fools, you will appear on the TV show MasterChef, but unfortunately you will fail to impress the judges with your signature dish. Greg Wallace will describe your ‘Fish finger & brown sauce sandwich, with a Mars Bar for pudding’ as ‘disappointing’.


Aquarius: Mars in your sign warns you not to go to that dentist in the precinct, unless you want to end up looking like you could eat an apple through a tennis racket.


Pisces: The planets have formed a rare alignment… I’m having difficulty interpreting it… Oh, hang on, I can see it now - it’s a cock and balls. Ignore them, they’re just being silly.



Hat tips: FlashArry, Sinnick, sydalg, SteveB, dogular, lockjaw


Image from Pixabay by Darkmoon_Art


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