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Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: As Neptune enters your sign from behind, the bloke at work who always smells like Sugar Puffs will offer you one of his home-made tuna & mayo sandwiches. Don’t take it - it’s not mayo.

Taurus: The portents indicate that you are living the dream - but unfortunately, it's the dream where you are running naked across Hampstead Heath pursued by the Quorn hunt wearing Noel Edmunds masks and riding fire-spitting rainbow unicorns. You might want to consider laying off the sauce for a while, or at least take a bit more water with it, sunshine.

Gemini: Tomorrow you will receive your personal unicorn cantering in the sunlit uplands. Jeez, you're gullible.

Cancer: As the moon enters the third quarter, you will discover the inspirational tattoo you had done on your arm in Chinese symbols doesn’t mean what you think it does. It actually means ‘he who bums cats’.

Leo: Neptune in your sign inspires you to open a hipster café, which serves nothing but rice pudding garnished with shavings of bookie’s pencil, served in a flat cap. You pretentious tw@t.

Virgo: You'll find yourself fighting in the Russian army on a desolate battlefield at -20°C, wondering how you got there. Oh, and you'll discover you're not wearing trousers.

Libra: Avoid dogging sites until Uranus has passed through Virgo.

Scorpio: Yes Scorpio, it sucks being a mere arthropod when most of the other signs are glamorous, highly evolved mammals with their arses high in your sky. But the great Babylonian god Marduk was originally considering creating your star sign as a porcine tapeworm, so get over it.

Sagittarius: It becomes apparent to all that your spirit guide resides in a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Capricorn: As Leo enters your house of fools, you will appear on the TV show MasterChef, but unfortunately you will fail to impress the judges with your signature dish. Greg Wallace will describe your ‘Fish finger & brown sauce sandwich, with a Mars Bar for pudding’ as ‘disappointing’.

Aquarius: Mars in your sign warns you not to go to that dentist in the precinct, unless you want to end up looking like you could eat an apple through a tennis racket.

Pisces: The planets have formed a rare alignment… I’m having difficulty interpreting it… Oh, hang on, I can see it now - it’s a cock and balls. Ignore them, they’re just being silly.

Hat tips: FlashArry, Sinnick, sydalg, SteveB, dogular, lockjaw

Image from Pixabay by Darkmoon_Art

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