House of Commons foodbank running low on Cognac

The number of MPs turning to foodbanks for help is on the rise again. Volunteers in the House of Commons say it has been their busiest month yet, with peers and MPs queuing around the block to stock up on the basics such as foie gras and a rather indifferent but otherwise passable Sauvignon Blanc.

One user who was too embarrassed to give his name, said: ‘Since I got back from the Caribbean, I’m down to my last bottle of Cognac. I’ve had to tell the children we can’t afford hand-crafted wallpaper this Christmas. They were in floods of tears. How have we come to this as a nation?’

Film director Ken Loach has spent several weeks in parliament filming ‘I, Fat Bastard’, a hard-hitting exposé of the hardships faced by MPs who have slipped through the net.

‘It’s truly Kafkaesque,’ said Loach. ‘Imagine the indignity of having to submit receipt after receipt just to claim back your hotel expenses. They’re at boiling point. It’s going to kick off around here, I can tell you!’

Dominic Raab has denied beating volunteers with a stick while shouting ‘Piñata! Piñata!’

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay

Politicians to go on pay strike

The biggest trade union for politicians, the NBMU (National Bullshit Merchants Union), has announced that a ballot of its members has called for strike action over pay, claiming that many of them need second and third jobs, some as far away from home as the Caribbean, the Cayman Islands and Belize to make ends meet.

Purdey Shotte-Gunne, a shop steward for the NBMU, told Newsbiscuit that his colleagues frequently worked well into the night, propping up the Commons bars, where he said, the main business of parliament was conducted.

“People don’t realise how important the bars and restaurants are to running the country. Forget all the boring stuff that goes on in the Chamber which gets watched on the Parliament channel. That never changed a parliamentarian’s opinion. A knee in the bollocks after ten pints of Olde and Filthye does that.”

He went on to say that many times he’s longed to leave early enough to enjoy a horse meat lasagne with his children, like normal people do, but when there’s a late night sitting to vote on cutting Universal Credit, he has to make do with foie gras and prime rib in the Commons canteen. “It’s the little things like this that not only make the job a misery and why the subsidised restaurants are no compensation at all.”

Image: Pixabay/ChequeredLink

Common house fly now most advanced thinker in House of Commons

A fly which appears to prefer the Conservative side of the House of Commons is being considered as the next Prime Minister. A Tory backbencher without an embarrassing hairdo explained, 'Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested we hit it with a binned COP27 schedule of events, but it evaded all of our attempts to bring it down.

'Once it proved itself as smarter than anybody on the back benches, it was given free range of the front bench. It handled itself very well and did not cave within two minutes of PMQs. It doesn't have a shameful voting record and it's more popular than anyone we've had in post for quite a while now.

'We're confident it won't trot out a series of laughable and damaging policies and we think it's just the sort to unite the party. It has been made Minister for Ambush Cake, and we are already impressed with its conduct. It even got a few laughs on a recent episode of Mock the Week, before we had the BBC shut the programme down.

'The Daily Mail are saying it has a more credible stance on immigrants than Suella Braverman and that they are backing it, which is good enough for our decision making at the highest level. So we've changed the 1922 committee rules again, put it through on the nod, and fast-tracked it to a Lordship. Whatever the outcome, at least it has more control than Matt Hancock's flies.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay