Canadian-Iranian Uranium too difficult to say to be investigated, insists Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has entangled himself in such a shady scam that former KGB oligarchs who hold bunga bunga underage sex parties for convicted presidents are distancing themselves from him.

'I wouldn't touch him with your ten-foot barge pole,' confirmed Tupolev Onatopp, a world-leading supplier of arms to despots and weapons of mass destruction to children. 'If you think you can get away with something just because you can't say it yourself, then that is somewhat shallow. Boris Johnson has trouble saying pretty much anything in his own first language, so his argument isn't going to pull the woolly mop over anyone's eyes but his own.

'Although people refer to his new organisation as Better Earth, its full official title is Better Earth For Boris Johnson. Clearly there is nothing wrong with providing Iran with uranium, but because he denies ever having met his Canadian-Iranian business partner and top chum, that just makes the whole thing a bit more suspicious. It's your classic Eton schoolboy error. And he does have form screwing things up in Iran just by opening his flappy lie hole.

'A hot young bit of totty everyone knows you installed in the UK House of Lords also being involved in your personal business dealings is the hallmark move of your committed incompetent. What's he going to do next? Gift my firstborn another life peerage to win me over? There simply aren't enough over-sized fridges in the world for this idiot to hide in.

'I did once admire his personal loyalty to filthy Russian money. But incompetence coagulates with incompetence. At least the total f*ck up that is Steve Bannon is not involved in this fiasco. What's that, Sergei? Oh. OK. Sergei says I should retract that statement.

'When you've got yourself involved in a shell company within a shell company within a shell company, all owned by undisclosed offshore entities around the world, then that's obviously a post political career payoff mechanism to launder your dirty in-office dealings. One imagines he'll be calling his old pal David Cameron for advice on how to pull out of sticky situations.'

Image: ELG21 - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery

Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'

We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.

The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'

Image: Couleur - Pixabay

Old pals