Latest reports say Mrs Enid Sparrow is still holed up in her 7th Floor flat refusing to answer her door despite being surrounded by an estimated five to six Charity collectors.
According to neighbours they were first made aware of a problem when they heard banging on Mrs Sparrow’s door, men and women’s voices shouting through her letterbox, we know you are in there, make it easy on yourself, just sign the direct debit and it will all be over.
A close friend and neighbour said the hallway was full of people wearing Tabards and lanyards screaming at poor Enid, they had commandeered the lift and had people stationed on the stairwells in case Enid made a break for it down the stairs with her Walker.
Terence Smith Ogilvy, the newly appointed, £184,000 pa, Director of Donations of one of the many London based Charities explained that door to door collecting was essential for many charities, it’s our life blood, it’s how we can afford to be based in posh London addresses and how we can put on Team building exercises for our UK regional teams in Nairobi, like the one I am attending next week after our AGM in Monaco.
Charity collector Ben, who is on a gap year before joining his father’s stock broking firm, explained that he and many collectors like him are reliant on the commissions charities pay them for harassing people in the street or better yet, their own homes.
According to Ben, the arson attack on Sir Kier Starmer’s property recently had Charity collection written all over it. Some of those lads collecting for that London Hospital don’t mess about, it’s a gentle tap of the door, a polite request for funds and if it’s a No, two minutes later, Fire Engines are arriving or the family Dog goes missing.
A Spokesperson for the local Police said , as yet no crime had been committed but that they will shortly be despatching officers to the said address to offer Mrs Sparrow tickets for the upcoming Police Charity ball.
