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Kangaroo anus refuses to go anywhere near Matt Hancock


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A kangaroo anus with a keen sense of integrity and a moral compass has refused to have anything to do with Matt Hancock. 'I've got dignity, you know,' said the anus.


'That man is absolutely disgusting and I won't go anywhere near him. He makes me sick, even though he isn't in charge of the health service any more. And I feel such overwhelming shame that I've been connected with him in any way.


'Most of all, I feel sorry for his poor wife. She's had to put up with even more sh*t than me.'


In unrelated news, a lucrative kangaroo anuses contract has been awarded to Matt Hancock's pub landlord.



I'm a Celeb goes full Lord of the Flies



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In a surprising, yet richly deserved turn of events, Matt Hancock was ritually disembowelled, then decapitated by his fellow contestants, all of whom smeared themselves in his blood in an act of solidarity.


Boy George sang a haunting version of Karma Chameleon to help drown out Hancock's terrified, blood-curdling screams. The body was thrown into a river and weighted down with Ant and Dec's National Television Awards, some rigged phones and Ant and Dec themselves. The solemn ceremony was narrated by Charlene White.


This year's other I'm a Celeb contestants include Chris Moyles, described by HMRC as a Guernsey based used car salesman and Mike Tindall, a working Royal. There are also a few Hollyoaks types to look good in skimpy swimwear. Their individual identities are irrelevant to ITV execs, one of whom purred 'Sex plus violence equals ratings, baby!'





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