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I'm a Celeb goes full Lord of the Flies

In a surprising, yet richly deserved turn of events, Matt Hancock was ritually disembowelled, then decapitated by his fellow contestants, all of whom smeared themselves in his blood in an act of solidarity.

Boy George sang a haunting version of Karma Chameleon to help drown out Hancock's terrified, blood-curdling screams. The body was thrown into a river and weighted down with Ant and Dec's National Television Awards, some rigged phones and Ant and Dec themselves. The solemn ceremony was narrated by Charlene White.

This year's other I'm a Celeb contestants include Chris Moyles, described by HMRC as a Guernsey based used car salesman and Mike Tindall, a working Royal. There are also a few Hollyoaks types to look good in skimpy swimwear. Their individual identities are irrelevant to ITV execs, one of whom purred 'Sex plus violence equals ratings, baby!'

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