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Western leaders - “Stop treating our people like Arabs”


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Following the killing of seven Brits and Americans working for World Central Kitchen in Gaza, western leaders have reminded Netanyahu that our people are not to be treated like Arabs.


”We’re mad as hell,” said a White House spokesman today. “And I don’t mean in a vague ‘ideally could you stop doing this’ kinda way, like when you kill 30,000 Arabs. I mean genuinely pissed.”


”Quite right,” added a spokesman for 10 Downing Street. “It’s just not on to treat the British this way. Especially when they’re really British, not just people we have to call British to avoid being hauled up in front of some committee.


”Though ideally don’t kill them either, or we’d probably be obliged to go through the motions of making a fuss.”


The spokesman also commented that he entirely understood the desperate situation of Gazans facing a disastrous famine, as he once arrived for a late supper at Rules to find they were out of the Chateaubriand.




Netanyahu kicks Middle East in the nuts


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The Israeli PM has decided to ramp up tensions throughout the region, by calling everyone's mum a slag. Following this, he has bombed the Iranian consulate and signalled his intent to put the MMA into WMD and the WWF into WW3.


The belligerent leader bragged that he had eye poked Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guard and given a wedgey to the population of Tehran.


Looking for some other ethnicities to cleanse, the bored PM said he would sucker punch the next UN diplomat he met. Jabbing his finger at the camera, he declared he would put the fist into pacifist and the boot into every unguarded groin. And just to be clear about his evil intent, he signed off with 'kind regards', the most aggressive of all regards.




Netanyahu “just stomping on kittens now”


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Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu is “just stomping on kittens now”, according to seasoned Israel watchers.


Having failed to provoke outrage from Israel’s US backers by attacking hospitals in Gaza, killing charity workers or even taking out Iranian officials in Damascus, Netanyahu is said to be wondering just how far he can go before his funding and weapons supplies might be threatened.


Sure enough, US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken protested only in the mildest possible terms, saying he was hoping to see “less of a disconnect” between Netanyahu’s stated care and love of kittens and the “mountains of mutilated feline bodies we’re all seeing on the evening news”.


Asked what action he would take if Netanyahu didn’t cease the kitten stomping, Blinken said he wasn’t ruling out making an even more strongly worded statement in future. For his part, Netanyahu said he welcomed all these statements, as he was using the paper to wipe the congealed blood and fur off the soles of his Doc Martens.




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