More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said. ‘All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can’t expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven’t been any crimes committed’.

Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘baffled’ by the low crime figures, given the number of ‘men of fighting age’ he has pointed at over the years. ‘What’s wrong with them?’ the spokesman added. ‘It’s almost as if they aren’t terrorists after all’.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter ‘oh, for f*ck’s sake’ under their breath.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/alles-2597842/

One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals.

A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact.  Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all the animals. ‘That boat is pretty smelly,’ confided one Border Force official.

A spokesman said that the Home Office always kept its policies under review and that, although the agreement with France did not appear to extend to animals, it was arguable that it should. However, for the time being, Britain is not prepared to take a case to the European Court in order to get a definitive answer.

image from pixabay

Robert Jenrick pioneers new ventriloquist act with “Judgie”

Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville.

Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage.

'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?'

'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembly and protest,' replied the puppet, prompting Jenrick to look at the audience in mock surprise. 

'You can’t do that, Judgie,' he continued. 'People have a right to express their opinions, even if you disagree with them.'

The puppet then turned to Jenrick, saying, 'What are you, some kind of pinko Guardian reader? We know what to do with people like you!” Jenrick was then dragged offstage by uniformed thugs while the puppet shouted “Put him on a flight to Rwanda,' to roars of laughter from the audience.

Jenrick's act was followed by a speech by the current Tory Party Chair, a red-velvet upholstered wing back which spoke of the need to restrict immigration and the way foreigners sometimes don’t integrate properly into British society.

Watching the speech live at Reform Party HQ (aka Wetherspoons in Thurrock), Richard Tice remarked to Nigel Farage, 'You said that without moving your lips.'