Government cracks down on the grumbling industry

The government has vowed to help more people kick the habit of grumbling by restricting their right to vote. From the 4th May grumblers will be turned away from polling stations if they are deemed to be voting too often.

One grumbler said: ‘It got so bad I was voting every chance I got. General elections, local elections, you name it. I was finally offered help by the government and was able to turn my life around. I’ve stopped grumbling altogether and asked my local council to put a block on my polling cards.’

If you have a problem with grumbling, you can call the National Grumbling Helpline which offers free advice and counselling. Voting – together we can beat it.

BMA castigated for not checking Steve Barclay's diary

A red faced BMA, on the start of a new four day strike attempting to bring the NHS to its knees, admitted that none of the union officials checked the Health Minister's diary before calling the strike. 'Fair enough, he's on holiday in some sun-kissed resort so we really can't expect him to turn up for discussions about resolving the crisis,' a union representative said.

The last time they tried to get Mr Barclay around a table he was having his hair cut - a long standing appointment with 'some guy from the high street'. The representative agreed it would be unreasonable to ask him to reschedule his trim as their other customer might be inconvenienced. 'Like the time before - had to walk the dog. We thought that job had finished when Johnson left Number 10, but no, it's a commitment, so fair enough.

'We've checked his diary and it seems very full for the next fourteen months, then nothing. I guess that's our opportunity,' said the representative.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/sasint-3639875/

Rail passengers announce strike dates

Long suffering rail passengers say that they have ‘no option’ but to go on strike, in protest at poor quality services, cancellations, rising ticket prices, chronic under-investment, dirty trains, and unbelievably hard baguettes from station kiosks.

'We can’t take this any more,' said a spokesman for the radical rail traveller lobby group PARSNIP. 'This stands for Passengers Against Rail Strikes – with the remaining letters to be figured out later. We are proposing a general strike and will picket rail stations to persuade other passengers that enough is enough and the current long standing nonsense has to stop.

'We have a radical programme of action to help our members to avoid railways altogether. We can provide car loans, bike rental, lifts, discounted running shoes and legally binding work-from-home contracts.

'We can also support the victims of rail travel with counselling, dietary advice, lost property tracking services and debt advice.

'Our radical vision is convert railway lines to express bus routes, to convert rail carriages into accommodation for the homeless, and to use railway stations for shops, to the extent that this hasn’t already happened. We will take direct action to achieve our aims and we will be gluing ourselves to things, chucking soup over stuff, and rustling our newspapers. So watch out!'