New lockdown announced to fight inflation

“Inflation is rampaging across Britain, and desperate times call for desperate measures,” Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt told the Commons, wearing a hazmat suit and clutching a pair of manacles.

“We are therefore going lock the country down again, to stop everyone spending their money.

“Anyone caught wandering into a shop or a restaurant will be arrested and will have their all cash confiscated and cards cancelled.

“And don’t try to be clever and order anything online,” Mr Hunt continued, jangling the heavy iron chains on his manacles menacingly.

“Crack squads of civil servants across Britain will be trailing Just Eat cyclists and Hermes drivers and arresting people accepting deliveries at their front doors.”

“I know it seems harsh, depriving you all of your groceries and cheap bottles of tempranillo blanco," said Mr Hunt, trying hard to look regretful.

"However, the government’s chief scientists have told me that if we all make an effort to spend absolutely no money at all for the next few months or years, prices will have nowhere to go but down.

“So remember our catchy new slogan: ‘Stay Home, Stay Hungry, Save the Retail Price Index.’”

Photo by Graham Ruttan on Unsplash

7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless

During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:

1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.

2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.

3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.

4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.

5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.

6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.

7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.

Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

Image: Pixabay/QuinceCreative

Calls for a halt to ‘shrink-flation’ as a Freddo becomes invisible to the naked eye.

As inflation causes the cost of everyday purchases to soar, shoppers are also being hit by ‘shrink-flation’, as many food manufacturers opt to make their products smaller instead of increasing the price.

Ron Stutter, a spokesman for the consumer action group ‘Regulation In Pricing Of Food Favourites’ (RIPOFF) said, 'It’s time for manufacturers to stop treating their customers like they’re stupid. They keep making products smaller and thinking no one will notice, which is just inflation by stealth. These days many popular food items have become so small they’re hardly worth the bother. A Freddo used to be an affordable treat, but now they’re so tiny you can’t even find them in the shop without the aid of a powerful microscope. No one wants prices to go up, but at least that would be more honest. If they are going to make things smaller instead of increasing prices, they should rebrand the products so people would know what to expect, and they wouldn’t be so disappointed.

'For example, a tub of Quality Street used to be massive - it would last from Christmas Day until Pancake Day. The tubs have become noticeably smaller every year, and now they’re so small they only contain about 6 sweets, and the Toffee Pennies are more like Toffee Halfpennies. The manufacturers should be transparent about the shrinkage, and rename the tubs ‘Less Quantity Street’. A Finger of Fudge is nowhere near the size of a finger – ‘Little Toe of Fudge’ would be a more accurate description. Monster Munch were a crunchy mouthful, but they’ve shrunk so much they should now be sold as ‘Mini Munch’. Topics used to have a hazelnut in every bite, but these days you’re lucky if you can find even a tiny fragment of hazelnut. The allergy warning on the label should read ‘May contain nuts - but we’re not making any promises’. Production of ‘fun-sized’ chocolate bars such as Mars, Snickers and Bounty is pointless, as the full-sized versions have become even smaller than the ‘fun-sized’ varieties. Mini Cheddars should be renamed ‘Miniscule Cheddars’, and Polos should be called ‘Holos’, as they now contain more hole than mint.'

It has not been possible to get in touch with the food manufacturers to ask for their comments, as the contact information on their product packaging was too small to read.

Image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs:

https://pixabay.com/photos/scientist-pathologist-1332343/