Checking facts is soooo 2024

Hi there, it’s Lyn Floohenzur, your absolute favorite girl is here, for you, telling what is what and how it is, right? Before we get to into the big news, like, the real news, our sponsor today is again the GRU, the number one Russian Military Intelligence Service - hi guys!

As I was like saying to McKinleigh and Jaxton, we all know that there are sooo many diff types of truth out there, and we like have to show total respect to the alternative truths, like, totally yeah? Mikkky G was sayin’ while back that those so called, like, experts are, you know like, we really have had enough of that, you know? Anyway, IronMusk, you know to call him that right, IronMusk, so clever, yeah, well on the X, they have, like, a community of Truth notes that’s like a hive mind of people telling it like it is and it's pretty hot, yeah?

Well Insta is going the same way, like, in a way that's the same, cos like facts are like, biased you know? They all seem to be in your face with the checking and telling you are wrong and like, you don’t own my facts right? Well anyway, don’t forget to subscribe by clicking Alt-right arrow, and smash that like, and see you in 15 seconds!

Picture credit: Wix AI. Probably.

Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory

A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.

“I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,” said one well known teen pop star. “Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.”

“I just don’t understand it,” said a famous actor. “How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.”

Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.

”Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.”

All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they “no longer recognise at the America we love”. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.

Image: LoboStudioHamburg - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Don't fall prey to Christmas influenzer epidemic," warn health chiefs

You must protect yourselves right now, if you want to escape the dreadful influenzer epidemic in the run-up to Christmas,” the UK’s chief medical officer told a press conference in TK Maxx on Oxford Street.

“Unless you inoculate yourselves immediately by closing all your social media accounts, you'll be infected by wave after wave of preening young influenzers on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok persuading you to splurge your cash on overpriced cosmetics for all your relatives, as well as ridiculous items of clothing which they will never wear more than once.

"And the influenzer disease is highly contagious, because your relatives will all be infected with the urge to buy the self-same garbage for you.

“The UK’s social media disease labs have informed me that this year’s most virulent influenzer strains are x. Zoella Sugella and x. Charli D’Amelitis.

“But, as in previous years, people are continuing to suffer from nauseating levels of exposure to bacterius Kylie Jenneritis and streptoccocus Kimmus Kardashianus.

“I warn you! If you become an influenzer victim, you will end the Christmas shopping season feeling very poorly indeed – as in: ‘Why am I so very poor? What did I spend all my sodding money on?’”

Image:Pixabay/geralt