Gen X-er inadvertently turns 50

West Midland Gen X-er Daniel Seventies* woke up last Wednesday to find he was actually 50 years old, and that time is linear.

'I never thought it would happen to me,' he said, as a tear rolled down his cheek, 'I mean just 10 years ago it was 1985, and I was 11, eating Opal Fruits and writing to ask Jim to fix it for me.'

Born half a century ago, when the vinyl renaissance was just a naissance, Martin grew up blissfully unaware of climate change, inclusivity, and the physical passage of time beyond 1995, for which he blames his parents and the persistent nostalgia in the mass media.

Asked for comment, Martin's mother, Pamela* said, 'He's not 50 - he can't be, because that would mean I'm...'

Pamela fainted and was kept overnight in hospital for observation. She will recuperate on the Isle of Wight, where time is always 30 years behind.

*Names have been changed to protect sources from age-related memes/sympathy.

Image: WixAI

Author: lucienne

Isle of Wight also demands compensation for HS2

The Plaid Cymru election manifesto argues that Wales should get £4bn compensation for HS2. This is despite the fact that no houses in Wales have been knocked down, no tunnels built, and no sheep disturbed. But Plaid Cymru clearly feel that they have a case.

This has emboldened the Isle of Wight Independence Party to argue along similar lines and make rail improvements part of its platform.

Colin Card, 63, says that there is an ‘obvious’ case for investment in the railway line that runs between Ryde Pier Head and Shanklin. Colin says that a feasibility study, conducted by Norman from the model railway club, shows that the current 28 minute journey time could easily be cut to 23 minutes. The economic benefits are therefore huge, because a massive amount of productive time will be released. 'HS2 only cut 10 minutes off the journey from London to Birmingham,' says Colin, 'so our plans knock that into a cocked hat.'

Colin also says that there is also a good economic case for integrating services between Smallbrook Junction and Wootton, currently served by a heritage railway. And there is also a strong case (Norman again) for extending the existing railway from Shanklin to Ventnor, as travellers to Ventnor must currently complete their journey from Shanklin station by bus. In their wilder moments, Colin and Norman dream of a circular railway line running round the whole island. And some trains, obviously.

The islanders will be tracking the Plaid Cymru case very closely. If Wales is successful, then there should be no barrier to funding for the Isle of Wight. £4bn would be just the ticket.

Image: Bucarama-TLM - Pixabay

Britain’s nuclear deterrent “can only reach Isle of Wight”

Embarrassed officials at the Ministry of Defence admitted today that Britain’s nuclear deterrent can only reach as far as the Isle of Wight with any degree of accuracy. The Trident missile system, estimated to cost £180 billion over its lifetime, has recently proved inaccurate and unreliable in MOD tests.

The officials accepted this was quite a lot to spend to protect Britain from a sleepy seaside resort popular with pensioners, which is not thought to have a nuclear capability of its own. ”We did hear a rumour one pub on the island had recently installed a Space Invaders machine, but this turned out to be wishful thinking on the part of bored teenagers forced to spend their holidays there.”

However, the officials stressed they were putting in place measures to improve accuracy, and pretty soon the Channel Islands would come within the missiles’ effective range.

”So Alderney and Sark had better not get any ideas, alright? This is not some washed-up, basket-case kleptocracy you’re dealing with, where defence contracts go to frauds and wide boys so long as they’ve got mates in the government. That’s PPE you’re thinking of.”

Trebuchet Catapult Castle - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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