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FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

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After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



UK to extend 99 year lease on Isle of Wight

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This comes off the back of the controversial decision to keep a military base on the Chagos Islands. Critics say it is a waste of money funding an uninhabitable rock half way across the world, but others say it is 40 minutes on the Portsmouth ferry. Sadly the Isle of Wight is of strategic importance to absolutely no-one, least of all the cows that make up 70% of the population.


The original lease was given to the Romans but the Romans did not know what to do with it. Caesar declaimed "Veni, Vidi, Abire" – I came, I saw, I wandered off – admitting that neither he nor the natives had read the small print. Later in the 18th century Queen Victoria renewed the agreement for grazing rights and so she could bath up to the knee, while still wearing a dress.


At the height of the Cold War Shanklin was used as a training camp for the Cub Scouts. And with the renewed threat of Putin, the Brownies have once again been mobilized. Remarked one local as he polished his collection of turnips: ‘Getting a nuclear warhead is all very well but we'd rather have a Woolworths.’



Defence Review Promises More Peashooters to Isle of Wight

Updated: Jun 5


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In a seismic shake-up to defence of the island, Defence Secretary John Healey today promised that the Isle of Wight would see an increase to its capabilities through the delivery of more peashooters and catapults.


At the Shanklin Home Armed Guard, platoon leader Captain Wilson was delighted to hear the news, remarking, "Currently our sea defences are Big John with a bucket of rocks. While he can thrown them impressively far, like past the sandbank far, being able to add the local Scouts and Guides as a second line of defence will be a further deterrent to anyone thinking of invading our land. We've had them keep the grey squirrels out for over a century now, so I'm confident any Russian Destroyers sailing through the channel will think twice before straying from the shipping lanes once they see Akela and her special forces keeping watch at The Needles."


The Isle of Wight navy were also overjoyed that their fleet would be faster after all the clothing gifted to Sir Keir Starmer by Lord Alli had been turned into sailcloths and used to upgrade the Sea Cadets' dinghies.


image from pixabay


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