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Rainbow reboot to feature senior Tories



ITV have announced that following the wave of nostalgia that the nation has been riding during the jubilee celebrations that they are to bring back the much loved Rainbow.


“The reboot of Rainbow will merge children’s programming of yesteryear with todays scripted reality programmes such as TOWIE and Made in Chelsea” said a senior figure within ITV.


Senior Tory grandees and ministers have been considered to be used in the programme. Meet some of the contenders.


Geoffrey - the educator of Bungle - Jacob Rees-Mogg

Zippy - a tangerine oval-headed puppet with a zip for a mouth - Boris Johnson

George - a shy pink hippo - George Eustace

Bungle - An out of his depth, inquisitive simpleton - Grant Shapps

Rod - Rishi Sunak

Jane - Nadine Dorries / Michael Fabricant role share

Freddy - Grant Shapps

Aunty - Priti Patel / Liz Truss in a role share


Each episode will feature a song by pastel dungaree wearing Rod, Jane and Freddy explaining the intricacies of economics, foreign policy or domestic policy issues of a day, that simply explains the issues in way that even they can understand.


New TV show promises to declutter your declutter programmes


A new ITV show is promising to help people take control of all the TV programmes they have recorded in the first week of the New Year about decluttering their life.


Hosted by Dr David McBride, author of 'Feng Shui for your TV', the new series focuses on 6 families whose lives - and the hard drives of their Virgin Media boxes - have been taken over by 'Sort out your life' style documentaries.


Episode 1 focuses on the Smiths from Billericay, who have recorded over 100 hours of these programmes since New Years Day, with little to no prospect of ever watching them.


'It's like a drug ', said an emotional Peter Smith, sitting wistfully on his sofa. 'It starts off innocently enough with a Christmas and New Year TV listings magazine, with us circling the odd episode to watch here and there. But then suddenly you find yourself recording old repeats of Hot Mess House on Discovery that you've already seen 10 times and you realise you're out of control.'


McBride forces each family to watch the opening teaser segment of every one of the shows they have recorded, before deciding which they really want to keep, and which they can permanently delete.


'I feel an overwhelming sense of relief', said Peter Smith at the end of the first episode, hugging his family, as a camera pans in on his HDTV screen to reveal 75% free space available for recording. 'Free from clutter, and, more importantly, from the constant narrator-style nagging I can hear in the background about decluttering my life, inevitably accompanied by some sad music'.


'The sense of relief for Peter and his family is almost overwhelming' confirms narrator Stacey Solomon as she leaves the Smith house. 'He's free from clutter, and - for the moment - from the the almost constant narrator-style nagging about decluttering his life, inevitably accompanied by some sad music. Be sure to join us this time next year when we return to see whether the Smiths have stuck to their task, or whether they've set a Series Link to record all our update programmes.'





Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’

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