'Our top story 12 days in a row is about a gay man having gay sex with a gay,' said a Daily Mail journalist who had 16 affairs with girls and f*cked a pig. 'It's the most important thing happening in Britain, and everybody must have my opinion on this scandalous scandal beaten into them until they're definitely not considering why it's OK for me to do the same thing and get away with it. And certainly not thinking about my spiffing chum screwing 200,000 people during the pandemic.'
'We all cheated on our wives with other women,' said 26 famous ITV presenters. 'And we all got a slap on the back and a pay rise. There are no double standards here. Everyone remembers why that girl was sacked from that kiddie's show, but that was different because she's a woman. You can't have famous lady presenters being unfaithful to their husbands, otherwise society would collapse. We now know for sure what's right or wrong, because we've been reading about it in the Daily Mail. If our half Indian colleague was unfaithful, for example, he should go back where he came from. And Luton is a terrible place.'
Senior ITV executive, William Trent Fairhead admitted, 'We have a very serious case where one of our famous presenters has not cheated on his wife with a young woman. If he doesn't shape up, we'll have to let him go. Just not to the BBC in the 1980s.'