Amber alert issued as Johnson rut approaches

Experienced Boris-watchers have expressed concerns that this years rut may be 'devastating'. The ex-PM, ex-MP finds himself untrammelled by the burdens of office, and will need an outlet for his considerable energies as summer approaches.

'Relieved of maintaining the web of lies to his Party, Westminster, and the public in general it is likely he will revert to a more basic demonstration of his prowess' confided Jim Backshaw, Emeritus Professor of Pfeffelology at the University of Staines, 'No female with a pulse within a five mile radius will be safe from his attentions'

The professor also concluded that these urges will be further fuelled by his need to regain status.

'The Big Beast has been ousted as alpha-male, and will seek means to redress this - we can expect some sort of display of fecundity, such as frantic hooted challenges and ritual masturbation, as he attempts to re-establish his dominance of Downing Street'.

Whilst privately admitting that such a display would be 'awesome and magnificent', the professor did admit that this behaviour could escalate and become a danger to the public.

'If this does become the case, regretfully we may need to sedate and neuter him as a safety measure. A former colleague has already stepped forward and asked if she can handle the scalpel'

Image: Newsbiscuit

'We had affairs with women and we got promotions' say straight ITV presenters

'Our top story 12 days in a row is about a gay man having gay sex with a gay,' said a Daily Mail journalist who had 16 affairs with girls and f*cked a pig. 'It's the most important thing happening in Britain, and everybody must have my opinion on this scandalous scandal beaten into them until they're definitely not considering why it's OK for me to do the same thing and get away with it. And certainly not thinking about my spiffing chum screwing 200,000 people during the pandemic.'

'We all cheated on our wives with other women,' said 26 famous ITV presenters. 'And we all got a slap on the back and a pay rise. There are no double standards here. Everyone remembers why that girl was sacked from that kiddie's show, but that was different because she's a woman. You can't have famous lady presenters being unfaithful to their husbands, otherwise society would collapse. We now know for sure what's right or wrong, because we've been reading about it in the Daily Mail. If our half Indian colleague was unfaithful, for example, he should go back where he came from. And Luton is a terrible place.'

Senior ITV executive, William Trent Fairhead admitted, 'We have a very serious case where one of our famous presenters has not cheated on his wife with a young woman. If he doesn't shape up, we'll have to let him go. Just not to the BBC in the 1980s.'

Image: Sean Mungur (@seanmungurdp) | Unsplash Photo Community

Much harder to have affairs from home, complain lecherous CEOs

Get back to the office, so we can start making sexualised remarks and inappropriately touching junior female members of staff. That's the message from Conservative ministers and industry leaders.

'How am I supposed to feel like a real man unless I clumsily attempt to grope Jodie from Accounts.' sleazed CEO Ian Ingram. 'I'm playing golf with the boys later and I need something to boast about. Last week one of them bought new tits for his wife and his secretary.'

'If that pervert comes near me I'll put his head through a f*cking wall.' said Jodie Johnstone from Accounts. 'Joke's on him though because I've been embezzling for years.'

'Hunt and Rees-Mogg want people back in offices? Sometimes I forget that Jeremy Hunt is rhyming slang, but then he says something out loud and I remember.'

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com