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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab

Updated: Nov 20, 2021


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The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






Minister of Humbug suggests it's now the perfect time to tell the kids Santa doesn't exist

Updated: Dec 5, 2021



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The UK government has advised parents that due to shortages of everything this Christmas, they need to tell their kids that a critical element of the festive season is total bollocks.


Highly respected Humbug Minister, Jacob Rees Mogg, said 'It's time these revolting urchins belonging to the piffling oik classes were told that the whole Santa/Lapland/reindeer thing is a socialist fantasy perpetrated by woke Marxists within the Labour party.'


Urchins never had toys when I was a young gentleman. They were lucky to find some dog faeces to play with or a dead pigeon to use as a football. Now they seem to think that their lives will be fulfilled by receiving a Lego chimney sweep kit or a Barbie Debtors Prison dolls house for Christmas. Parents must take the brave step of quashing these Xmas dreams underfoot. Our new guidance is that they should be sending their snivelling little toe rags out to work, preferably in a factory making coffin nails or tar or shoe polish. The unwashed progeny of our lower orders can thus replace our unwanted East European labourers and still earn the princely sum of three shillings a day.'


image pixabay/Bob)Dymt





Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore

Updated: Dec 3, 2021


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The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.

'It’s the simplest way of levelling up', said a government spokesman.


'All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.'


However, some Conservatives expressed concern that the cost of public services for Redcar, Ribblesdale and Rotherham would fall on southern shoulders.


'There’s an easy solution to that', said a spokesperson for Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. 'Stash the South in the Cayman Islands in a multilayered fund structure. Beyond that, Jacob reckons that if a wage-earner in Wokingham is stupid enough to lose his money to a Turkmen jumble sale scam that’s his lookout. He should have gone to a better school.'





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