In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.
A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".
'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.'
"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump told reporters while adding his signature to some words scrawled on the back of an envelope.
"The European team are guilty of being un-American by beating our great golfing heroes at what I've decreed is our national sport.
"Lots of people are saying nowadays that golf was invented by a fat, rich, lazy American who wanted to play a game in which he could ride round in a buggy all day. That sounds a lot like me, your favourite president.
"And I'm locking up the US players for being un-American and losing to a bunch of very nasty, yoghurt-eating European liberals.
"That's despite the thousands of robot spectators we packed onto the course to chant 'USA! USA' and boo Rory McIlroy whenever he was playing a shot.
"I sentence these traitors to hard labour," ranted Trump, suppressing the urge to make a Nazi salute. "I'll make them build the White House's new Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom and serve drinks in it to Prince Andrew and all the other guests.
"Besides, they ignored my presidential orders to win the Ryder Cup by cheating," said Trump.
"How do you expect to win if you don't cheat?"
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