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Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

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"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump told reporters while adding his signature to some words scrawled on the back of an envelope.


"The European team are guilty of being un-American by beating our great golfing heroes at what I've decreed is our national sport.


"Lots of people are saying nowadays that golf was invented by a fat, rich, lazy American who wanted to play a game in which he could ride round in a buggy all day. That sounds a lot like me, your favourite president.


"And I'm locking up the US players for being un-American and losing to a bunch of very nasty, yoghurt-eating European liberals.


"That's despite the thousands of robot spectators we packed onto the course to chant 'USA! USA' and boo Rory McIlroy whenever he was playing a shot.


"I sentence these traitors to hard labour," ranted Trump, suppressing the urge to make a Nazi salute. "I'll make them build the White House's new Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom and serve drinks in it to Prince Andrew and all the other guests.


"Besides, they ignored my presidential orders to win the Ryder Cup by cheating," said Trump.


"How do you expect to win if you don't cheat?"



Record number of prisoners ‘freed early by mistake’ re-offend by mistake


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Prison bosses, still reeling from accusations that they have released a record number of prisoners by mistake, are mistakenly welcoming many of those prisoners back. Upon their release, the habitual cons accidentally commit many of the same crimes that saw them locked up, and are returned to their cells, angry and bewildered at a society that first frees then fails to stop them reoffending. 


Termed ‘salmon’ by prison officers, many of the cons claim it is not their fault. In one case, HMP Grendon let out a prisoner early because his surname was Freeman. The man, imprisoned for taking a digger to a hole in the wall cash machine, was found the following day inside the smoking write-off a car he’d ‘accidentally’ driven into a Tesco ATM. ‘It just happened,’ claimed 31 year old, Liberty Freeman.


Elsewhere, a man convicted of perjury mistakenly freed from HMP Wandsworth because bitcoin surpassed the $90,000 mark, was rearrested that afternoon in court telling jurors he was lying to them, would always lie in court, and actually enjoyed lying in court. ‘It was a pure mistake, I didn’t mean it,’ he futilely pled later, no one believing him. Cons being returned to their cells include sex offenders and anyone who tweets the word ‘riot’. One ex-prisoner was rearrested for including the word ‘trio’ in a message to his mum about seeing 3 Christmas trees in one pub. ‘It was an anagram clearly coded to incite violence,’ explained Myne Fewrer, spokesmachine for our Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice.


The government, which has come under praise from supporters for achieving a perfect circle of incompetence, doesn’t know whether its claim that they are making more jail spaces available for future prisoners is reassuring or unnerving. Shabana Mahmood’s office said the government is ‘straining every sinew’ to work on the optics. Meanwhile, Lucy Letby was caught in a Hereford Wetherspoons flicking through an old copy of Neonatal Monthly as the ghost of Peter Sutcliffe roamed Bradford.



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