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Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.


The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.


He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.


The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.


The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.


A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.



Image from NewsBiscuit archive

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Labour plan to use King's ransom to fund vital infrastructure improvements



For centuries, kings have been subject to being captured in war, or kidnapped by ne'er do wells and held until a ransom is paid for their release. It remains a little discussed fact, that states are obligated to set aside an appriate amount of taxpayers' money for the event that a ransom needs to be paid.


Newsbiscuit has heard rumours that Labour intends to use the ransom fund to restore the NHS back to its former glory, along with restoring everything else the Tory party trashed.


A FOI request made to the treasury by the Labour party about the size of the ransom fund before the late Queen died was declined, but an assurance that it would be adequate was given. With the popularity of the monarchy having declined since the Queen's death, Labour are confident that a manifesto promise to use the ransom fund to return Britain to the 21st century and beyond, would be welcomed by the King's subjects.


"I know that Julius Caesar was captured by pirates when he was 25 and the pirates got got 50 talents of gold to let him go, but Julius went back after his release and slaughtered the pirates" said a Labour economist, "but these days they'd want bitcoins, so there ain't a lot of point in keeping a stash of gold, unless it was used for NHS dentistry. Bitcoins are just fictional Mickey Mouse money anyway, so the government could write a bitcoin cheque in full knowledge that if it bounced, there's sod all the kidnappers could do about it."





First published 2 May 2023


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Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House


A re-energised King Charles has returned from the USA and is setting about improvement work at Buckingham Palace. The east wing has been flattened and work is proceeding on a grand new ballroom, in a move that commentators have described as 'ballsy'.


An aide explained: ''The King was impressed by President Trump's can-do approach to remodeling the White House, and by the way he has cut through planning bureaucracy. He seems determined to go one better. We heard him muttering 'let's see who's got the biggest ballroom'.


The new ballroom at the Palace will feature an indoor arboretum, a green roof, ground-source heat pumps, insulation made from British wool, a new armoury and shooting gallery, and, it's rumoured, an underground bunker for Andrew.


In a further sign of a warming UK- US relationship, the King is also believed to be planning a new 18-hole golf course at Sandringham. One of the bigger holes will be based on suggestions from Donald Trump. 'I know about holes,' the President said. 'I often myself into a hole, but I can always blast myself out. And I do like a bit of rough.'




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