Labour to rename Asylum Seeking as Emergency Holibobs

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.

'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'

New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.

Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

A spokesman for Hasbro has confirmed the UK government has proscribed Action Man.  'Apparently they are proscribing anything with Action in the title.  Also because we did release a figure with a tea towel for a head covering recently,' he said.  'Probably a coincidence.'

A government spokesman said, 'We are engaging in each and any way to protest using the word Action.  Don't even try writing "Action. Man" either, we're well wise to that.  We have acted quickly to ensure any threat from Action Man is neutered.

A spokeswoman for Barbie commented, 'Neutered  Have you ever looked under his shorts?'

Photo by Thuận Minh on Unsplash

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.

An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.

Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.

So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.

image from pixabay

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