Comparison site to help Labour MPs

The comparison site U-Compare-Supermarket-Switch.com is to help Labour MPs to choose a new leader.

MPs can simply enter a few details and can quickly find out what kind of leader might suit them, ranked according to popularity, red wall appeal, alignment with manifesto commitments, left/right/centre appeal, northern appeal, opinion poll results and the availability of a courtesy car in case of a breakdown.

MPs will need to say when they expect to change leader, as the advice is time-critical.  Some options that may be available in the longer term aren’t an option if a new leader is needed very quickly.

Labour MPs will earn a disloyalty bonus if they choose a new leader through the site.  This could be a cuddly Wes Streeting toy, free tax advice from Angela Rayner, or simply a friendly wave from Andy Burnham.

Image credit: Wix AI

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.

'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.

'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.

'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.

No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.

At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump.

Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house.

‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insides this morning. I was in the Downing Street area and decided I could just about make the downstairs toilet before soiling myself.

'I only saw Keir for a brief moment …..I had run out of toilet paper, and he passed me a roll under the door.

'On the way out I said ‘I'd give it five minutes if I were you’…..he wasn’t very pleased. I think he thought I meant five minutes before resigning, but I meant five minutes for the jalfrezi to clear.

Image credit: Wix AI