‘I’m definitely honest – trust me on that,’ says Starmer with a cheeky wink.

Having gone on TV to explain that he would ditch any promise he made, in order to get elected, voters might be forgiven for thinking that Sir Keir has only a passing relationship with the truth.

Delegates at the recent Labour conference were offput by the sight of Sir Keir making further pledges, with his fingers crossed. Said one delegate: ‘I don’t know who to trust? He says his name is Keir, but everyone else calls him Keith’.

Promising McDonalds’ workers £15 an hour, than instructing Andy McDonald to forbid it, was confusing - partly because of the broken commitment but mainly because everyone in the story was called McDonald.

A psychologist explained: ‘The odd thing is that no one asks him to make these pledges in the first place, he just seems to like breaking them – it’s sort of kinky. It’s like cheating on your spouse at the dinner table. He seems to get a thrill from being caught’.

An aide defended the beleaguered leader: ‘Keir is as honest as the day is long. Which is why Labour is proposing to help workers, with a new one-hour week’.

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Labour leader calls for resignation of 1980s amorous TV milkman	Only on Amazon	Large chimney demolished without being made into cheap joke at the end of the news

Panicked Kier Starmer stockpiling Labour members

Sir Kier Starmer is stockpiling Labour members after fears of a leadership shortage in the party.

Reports of a lack of leadership in the party have circulated for a couple of years, but the shortage is said to have reached crisis point, with sources suggesting that the Labour leader has turned to storing his own supplies in a large venue in Brighton.

However, sceptics have suggested that the crisis is manufactured. “In fact, there is plenty of leadership in the Labour Party", said one insider. "Leaders of the hard left faction, the moderate left faction, the centrist faction, the neo-Blairite faction, Momentum, the moderate right faction and loads of trade union leaders."

“People also talk about there being a shortage of an effective opposition at the moment and that is nonsense as well,” the party insider added. “Most of these factions oppose each other – in fact, many of them actually oppose Sir Kier’s leadership”.

The news comes as a blow, on the back of widely publicised shortages of policies within the Labour Party. Whilst many brilliant, revolutionary policies are reported to exist, they frustratingly remain sealed and locked securely in air-tight containers, stacked up in a far-distant warehouse in La-La Land.

"It's all about blockages in the supply chain", said one insider. " Policies keep getting stuck in the party bureaucratic machinery, and there's no-one competent enough to present them to to an enraptured public at conference anyway, in order for us to inevitably complete a massive landslide victory in the next general election".

Political experts urged members of the public to remain calm, and that they expect the supply of Labour members around the UK and policies to normalise somewhat over the coming days, as Starmer’s leadership continues to stagger slowly along.

StanleyMizaru and Titus

First rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don't talk about Labour Party Conference

Someone found out there was a thing called a Labour Party Conference taking place. But it was completely accidental and only when their usual Brighton hotel shagpit was double booked as a storage room for sixty boxes of hard-hitting misspelled leaflets.

Hot on the case of what this mysterious event was all about, we sent an undercover investigative journalist to infiltrate the conference. Using a secret code developed at Luton College of Strings and Things, this report was filed hidden in a series of beautifully crafted but highly inedible angel cakes. Many Bothans completely survived unscathed to bring us this information:

Apparently, the first rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don't talk about Labour Party Conference. The second rule of Labour Party Conference is that it's probably OK to talk about Labour Party Conference because most people zone out the moment they hear the word Labour. The third rule of Labour Party Conference is that you wedge an axe through the handles of the double doors, and ignore the very existence of the general voting public outside and everything they think.

It appears to be profoundly important that Labour people have this massive pointless slagging match, until there is just one husk of a person left standing. It is then the job of that one bedraggled person to oppose government, get the last feeble Labour message out to the entire UK public, and somehow convince voters that Labour still exist as a political entity come the next election.

But rather than use their last remaining energy to hold the Conservative Party to account, the eighty third rule of Labour Party Conference is that the last person standing has to argue against themselves about whether they should argue against themselves.

On the face of it, it seems like an awful lot of effort for no gain whatsoever. But leading left wing strategists have strokeybeard hypothesised that this might be an extremely clever way of absolutely ensuring that the Labour Party always takes an insignificant position on anything voters might be interested in.

Whatever you do, don't tell anyone this. Or do. Makes no odds either way.

Image: Unsplash/Kristina Flour