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Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course




Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.


The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'


Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.


In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.




Match of the Day to include cage fighting



Negotiations between Gary Lineker and the BBC following criticism over Lineker's entirely accurate tweets appear to have been settled after Lineker agreed to having a cage boxing match between himself and members of the Tory party included as part of Match of the Day.


Lineker had asked whether this would include Tory party donors who could do with having the crap beaten out of them, but was told the BBC needs to maintain its impartiality. The donors would be allowed to beat the crap out of Lineker, also because of impartiality The BBC said Laura Kuenssberg will referee the bouts, in order to ensure the bouts were fair, after Lineker had suggested Emily Maitlis or Andrew Marr would do a good job. Apparently for contractual reasons this wasn't possible.


Michael Gove failed a mandatory drug test to compete. Other leading Tories involved (all with self-chosen nicknames) are James "Clever Nickname" Cleverly, Boris "British Bulldog" Johnson, Suella "Sledgehammer of Injustice" Braverman and Jeremy Hunt-you-down-and-kill-you.


Lineker told Newsbiscuit he had hoped the cage fighting series could begin with a Lineker-v-Sunak bout, but Sunak said Lineker needs to pick on someone his own size, so the first bout will be between Lineker and 30p Lee "Knuckledragger" Anderson. In an interview published by the Times, Telegraph, Mail and Express, Anderson said that you would never get his side of the story in the main stream media.




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