Lee Anderson has astonished colleagues by announcing that he is planning to stand at the next general election.
"What the hell is he thinking?", said an amazed Sir Graham Brady, "I've already cleared my desk and started looking through the job ads; the electorate in my constituency have ordered a vat of tar and a sack full of feathers, I'm going to be as far from the election as legally possible."
Of the 354 Tory MPs, 353 have already said they plan to leave parliament at the next election.
"Sir" Jacob Rees-Mogg has been looking at new positions. "One has been sounding out various opportunities; I've approached a bell foundry after being advised that I might have an aptitude in that area; I've noticed several colleagues in the house mouthing the phrase "bell-end" when I give a speech."
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