top of page
Search

Letter to the editor (not containing a bomb)



Sir,


I feel compelled to complain in the strongest possible terms that your publication is grossly unfair to minority parliamentary parties in not providing equal opportunity of ridicule. As a member of the Liberal Democrats, I read your journal on a daily basis hoping to see the Lib Dems get a mention, but you appear to have failed to notice we exist.


Unless this matter is redressed over the coming week with a full scale piss take of Ed Davey or another senior Liberal Democrat, I shall cancel my subscription.


Yours faithfully,


Daniel Craig (Mrs)



NewsBiscuit Response


Dearest darling madam,


Firstly, congratulations on correctly calling me Sir. Secondly, your strongest possible terms are somewhat tame compared to the 14 death threats I received this hour, 13 of which also demanded that my sexual organs be immediately infested with Raabs. Thirdly, a crack team of 72 finest NewsBiscuit investigative journalists have looked into these Diliberate Lemoncrats you speak of, but no trace of their existence has been uncovered. Fifthly, what happened to fourthly? Sixthly, Do you mean the Ed Davey who works the Cumbrian shaft? Seventhly, the subscription cancellation service has experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly, which, coincidentally, was the name of our pub quiz team last night. And eighthly, I'm not the editor. In fact, I now stand with you against this disgraceful oversight and call for a full scale inquiry involving harshly worded laminated posters and an air frier called Sid.


Solidarity, sister


Verity Pumpface (Mr)



Rees-Mogg embroiled in 'office stove fuel row' with cabinet colleagues and civil servants


Following recent visits in and around the government's Whitehall offices, Minister for Brexit Opportunities (whatever that is), Jacob Rees-Mogg, is said to have been 'discomfited and dismayed' to find many civil servants were not at their desks, preferring instead to continue to work from home.


Upon discovering this, Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have left individual notes for when the officers return. NewsBiscuit has obtained a copy of the note.


Dear *****


I was quite thoroughly dismayed to find you were not at your desk when I called today.

Your many hard-working and considerably more diligent colleagues informed me you were "working from home".

I take a very dim view of this. We would not have defeated Mr Hitler, had our gallant forces adopted the same slovenly, lackadaisical and offhand attitude.

I suggest you buck up your ideas, or you will find your personal winter stove fuel allowance capped at a maximum 3 small-sized coals per day.


That is all.


J. Rees-Mogg (Secretary of State for Preposterous & Made-up Ministries)


One cabinet colleague who wished for her comments to remain off the record said. 'Well, that's Jacob all over isn't it? He really is an utterly hopeless dick. Embarrassingly out of touch with the modern era and work practices. But now if you'll forgive me, I'm off to Waterstones for my book signing."

Big Bird admits role in vaccine conspiracy

Updated: Dec 23, 2021


Sesame Street character Big Bird has accepted accusations he is helping to front a pro-government propaganda campaign and is part of a global Covid conspiracy.


Fox News and tin foil hat aficionado Warren Wright, said ‘Big Bird is an agent of the deep fried chicken state, a Chinese Communist Party kung po patsy. He’s part of the yellow peril, brought to you by the letter Q and the number 45.’


Big Bird’s law firm, Bert and Ernie LLP, issued a statement saying ‘Our client was told it was take big pharma’s money or they’d arrange a meeting with Colonel Sanders. An eight foot tall, bright yellow flightless bird can’t go into hiding, so now he’s count von counting his backhanders, although you grouches are making it el-mo’ money, el-mo' problems. He couldn’t give two Ted Cruzes about Covid, bird flu is the real issue. That and Colonel Sanders.’






bottom of page