Johnson senior to head up research in to distance apples fall from trees

The Labour Party has expressed outrage that Stanley Johnson, father of the Prime Minister, has been awarded a contract to head up research into how far apples fall from trees.

'It's a travesty and a complete waste of public money,' said a Labour spokesman today, 'because we all know the distance an apple can fall is strictly limited by the tree height, the acceleration due to gravity and the frictional coefficient of grass. Newton could have answered this question in the Seventeenth Century, and Johnson senior could have asked him himself had he gone to the right schools.'

Other objectors think the physics angle is the wrong issue. 'It's not about the science, it's about the lack of opportunity for others better qualified to apply,' said a Lib Dem spokesman. 'There was no job advert, no interview and no attempt to set an appropriate wage for the job,' he said.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's father disagreed with all the complaints. 'Mr Johnson is too busy to respond directly as he needs to ensure he has suitable administrative support. He's sleeping with a couple of applicants this afternoon and if the blue pill works he'll be sleeping with a couple more this evening before making his decision,' he said.

Apples Fruits Orchard - Free photo on Pixabay

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Vince Cable resigns, having taken Liberals 'as far as he can'

Twenty-four hours after becoming leader of the Liberal Democrats, Vince Cable has resigned his position saying that he has taken the party to the limit of its potential and it was now time for someone else to take up the reins.

'It has been a roller coaster ride,' said Cable 74; 'there have been great highs and great lows, but I feel that the day after I became leader is the right time to quit as I have nothing more I can offer.'

Cable won the coveted position after a tightly fought race between himself and no other candidates, at a time when the Liberal Party was still reeling from a disastrous general election performance. He promised 'change, renewal and hope', but in the end it was just a question of helping himself to a few packets of post-it notes from the stationery cupboard and then slipping out the back.

‘I wish my successor every good fortune,’ said Cable. ‘I leave this party one day older but otherwise pretty much the same.’ A new leader will be chosen by exhaustive ballot as soon as someone else cracks and agrees to do it

.Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’