Lib Dems “forgot to produce manifesto for London Mayoral candidate”

There was embarrassment at Lib Dem headquarters today as it was revealed no one had bothered to write a manifesto for their candidate for London Mayor.

“Look, there’s only so many hours in the day,” said harassed party worker Jeremy Sandals. “There’s only enough money for a couple of full-time staff, the rest is done by volunteers, when they can fit it around their work for the Crafts Council and the Vegan Society.

”So naturally we tend to focus on things that seem worth doing. Council elections, for example, since we do win the occasional seat, and general elections of course.

”But London Mayor? The most we can do is split the liberal vote and let the Tories in, so we don’t really bother.

”All the same, we ought to go through the motions, so it’s a bit embarrassing we didn’t even write a manifesto this time. I’ll be looking into what went wrong, as soon as I get a spare moment.”

Pressed for more information, Sandals admitted he didn’t even know whose name they’d submitted as a candidate. “Bloody hell, it’s not me is it?”

image from pixabay

Charity appeal for the disadvantaged

Please could you spare £50 to help people in Britain suffering serious disadvantage? These people are ‘unseen’ and most people are not aware of their plight. They suffer quietly, in silence, and are offered little practical help by governments, society or even by their neighbours, family and friends.

Twenty pounds could provide these people with some meaningful activity, helping them to meet like-minded folk and to bring them back into mainstream society. This would improve their mental well-being, help them to keep their embarrassing visions under control and address their feelings of powerlessness. This would help them to stop obsessing about potholes, recycling or 20mph speed limits.

Ten pounds would fund ‘distraction packs’ to keep them occupied at home, so that they don’t grind their teeth, pull their hair out, or punch walls. It’s not much to ask.

If you could find a spare five pounds, then this will pay for reading material that will help them to find alternatives to the Guardian and gain a more balanced view of the world. Or it could provide a seminar to help them to find calming activities, such as slow TV or YouTube videos of kittens.

If you only have one pound, then you should probably hang on to it.

Whatever you’ve got, it would be wonderful if you could consider donating to help those suffering in silence as Liberal Democrats.

No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader

A move to demand the resignation of Sir Ed Davey as leader of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that he was postal affairs minister for two years during the Horizon/subpostmasters scandal, has foundered on the realisation that there’s literally no one to replace him.

”It’s true,” admitted a Lib Dem spokesman. “Every Lib Dem you’ve ever heard of has already been leader of the party. There’s just no one left.

”We thought for a moment about that smiley woman who’s MP for Brighton, Caroline something... but then someone remembered she’s actually in the Green Party. I always get them confused with us.”

The spokesman was asked whether he wouldn’t fancy giving the leadership a go himself, but it turned out he was Tim Farron, who’d already been party leader from 2015-17. (The reporter later commented “No wonder I didn’t recognise him.”)

This left no one to ask but the lady who works in the canteen, who looked awkward for a moment, then said “Look, I’m more than happy to work here, but to be honest I’ve always voted Labour. Now stop bothering me, or I’ll never get these vegan quiches finished in time.”

image from pixabay