Lib Dems spotted shaking soil from their trousers

Conservative MPs have made an observation that the Lib Dems have installed a vaulting horse in the House of Commons and have been seen walking around Westminster Palace shaking what looks like soil from their trousers. Meanwhile, it is noted that Sir Ed Davey was observed being summoned to the House of Commons library a few months ago regarding the long overdue return of several books related to the Trojan war, and the only remaining Betamax copy of The Great Escape in existence. The Lib Dem election committee is understood to be fixated on three potential candidates: Tom, Dick and Harry.

'Liz Truss was a Lib Dem, wasn't she?' asked one Conservative MP, realisation dawning on his face.

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Tiverton and Honiton the new Luhansk and Donetsk

Conservative paramilitaries are preparing a 'special military operation' in the Tiverton and Honiton area following the Devon constituency’s decision to install a 'fascist Lib Dem puppet government'. Media outlets loyal to the extremist Westminster regime have screamed for justice for true Conservatives living in the area.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers removed her night vision goggles and hissed, 'It's compulsory blue passports and Imperial stormtroopers, I mean Imperial measurements all round. Let's see how many of these ungrateful remoaners still vote Lib Dem after we've Clockwork Oranged them with months of Daily Express headlines. Besides, Ed Davey doesn't suit a tight green t-shirt like Zelensky does.'

With news of another massive Tory defeat, this time in Wakefield to Labour, Carruthers grimaced, ‘Go Wokefield, go brokefield. Am I doing it right?’

They think it’s been legalised... it has now

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.

'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'

It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.

BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'

Legal Illegal Choose - Free photo on Pixabay