Lib Dem conference 'now needs a second trestle table'

At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.

Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'

'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'

'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'

Lib Dems spotted shaking soil from their trousers

Conservative MPs have made an observation that the Lib Dems have installed a vaulting horse in the House of Commons and have been seen walking around Westminster Palace shaking what looks like soil from their trousers. Meanwhile, it is noted that Sir Ed Davey was observed being summoned to the House of Commons library a few months ago regarding the long overdue return of several books related to the Trojan war, and the only remaining Betamax copy of The Great Escape in existence. The Lib Dem election committee is understood to be fixated on three potential candidates: Tom, Dick and Harry.

'Liz Truss was a Lib Dem, wasn't she?' asked one Conservative MP, realisation dawning on his face.

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Tiverton and Honiton the new Luhansk and Donetsk

Conservative paramilitaries are preparing a 'special military operation' in the Tiverton and Honiton area following the Devon constituency’s decision to install a 'fascist Lib Dem puppet government'. Media outlets loyal to the extremist Westminster regime have screamed for justice for true Conservatives living in the area.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers removed her night vision goggles and hissed, 'It's compulsory blue passports and Imperial stormtroopers, I mean Imperial measurements all round. Let's see how many of these ungrateful remoaners still vote Lib Dem after we've Clockwork Oranged them with months of Daily Express headlines. Besides, Ed Davey doesn't suit a tight green t-shirt like Zelensky does.'

With news of another massive Tory defeat, this time in Wakefield to Labour, Carruthers grimaced, ‘Go Wokefield, go brokefield. Am I doing it right?’