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Government proposes building iceberg and sailing ship straight at it




A Government think tank - The Civitas Alliance for Global Warming Policy Affairs - has proposed spending £150bn building a iceberg in the North Sea then sailing the Queen Elizabeth aircraft carrier at it at full speed towards it.


"This is the kind of thing that will make Britain great again", said David Campbell Bannerman, former MEP who still wonders how Brexit somehow lost him his job.


"Did you know that the Titanic movie made 10 times what the Titanic ship cost to build? So this will be a sure-fire investment; once I work out what £150bn times 10 is, I'll let you know how much we'll get back."


Liz Truss has suggested that full speed towards the iceberg is "a bit slow". 


Liz Truss "forgotten" where she's MP for



Former PM and alternative lettuce, Liz Truss has admitted that she's forgotten where she's the MP for.


"Of course I'd know it if I saw it, it's just slipped my mind.", explained Ms Truss. "A mix of lefty-lawyers, the Marxist 1922 Committee, the Treasury and civil service and everyone I've met have combined to deliberately distract me from less important details such as where my constituency is."


People living in her constituency have a different take on the situation. "For god's sake, don't tell her; we've been trying to keep her out of here for years." said Ron Jenkins of, never you mind.


Ms Truss is still trying to remember and said she had narrowed it down to Singapore or Narnia - "in the period of continual winter, before the lefty Pevensie children deposed the heroic queen."




Liz Truss to become everybody’s ‘crazy aunt’



Citizens are to be offered a ‘crazy aunt’ as part of new levelling up plans by HMG.


“We’re fed up looking at poor people”, a spokesman said. “They smell and they live in horrible little dwellings. Flats, I think they’re called. When we analysed wealthy families they all have at least one certifiable older female relative – a ‘mad aunty’ if you will. We’re not certain, but it’s possible that this might be what’s been holding poorer families back. I phoned my Aunt Margery and she said it was worth a spin, so here we go!”


Under the scheme, families without a suitably crazed relative will be able to borrow Liz Truss in 30 minute blocks. “Half an hour doesn’t sound long”, the spokesman said “but Liz can make it seem like an age. She can give batty advice on anything – relationships, Marxist bankers, chemtrails – all delivered with the crazed conviction of the benevolently unhinged”.


If the scheme proves successful the next step will be the creation of a national ‘creepy uncle’ who touches up younger family members and absconds mysteriously, pursued by police. The Conservative Party doesn’t anticipate any shortage of unemployed ex-MPs to fill the role.


Image: Lockjaw



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