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Number of Tory factions now exceeds number of MPs


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Statisticians from Cambridge University have taken a great interest in Liz Truss's announcement of a new Tory splinter group which immediately splintered after being announced.


'That makes 350 factions now', said Brian Nerdygeek, 'What I find fascinating is that there are only 349 Tory MPs so either there's something very clever going on with trans-dimensional, imaginary numbers or an MP has done something rather silly and joined two different factions at the same time.'


At this point, Chris Grayling could be seen to slap his forehead.


Public demands more honours returned

Now that Paula Vennells has agreed to return her CBE, the public has got the bit between its teeth.

'There are loads of honours that aren't deserved, just handed out like sweeties to their mates,' said a public who asked not to be named.  'We've got what we wanted from Paula Vennells. Now we want all the useless twats that got honours from Liz Truss to hand those back too - in recognition of the pain and distress caused by Liz Truss and reign of error. I mean, terror. No, actually, error works fine.'


'The list is just embarrassing.  Three life peerages, a KBE and two DBEs, two CBEs, two OBEs and an MBE. That's just mad.  The only one that looks sensible in the whole damn lot is the DBE for Shirley Conran, for founding the Maths Anxiety Trust.  That's as close to an apology as we are going to get from Liz Truss.'




Brave Tories 'helping public' by taking top honours and jobs for life

In the New Year/Liz Truss Honours, selfless Tories and Vote Leave apparatchiks are Taking Back Control TM by saving Joe Public the hassle of joining the House of Lords, and thus receiving a unelected job for life with a hefty salary and real, actual power - so brave. 

Filthy, disgusting ordinary people who have spent years helping to improve their communities and/or raising money for charity can be allocated shiny, but meaningless trinkets. They can even have a nice day out at Buckingham Palace - on the condition that they don't touch anything. 

Ironically, a good government would be improving communities and funding charities anyway, but, like most New Year's resolutions, that's toast by 2nd January.




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