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Brave Tories 'helping public' by taking top honours and jobs for life

In the New Year/Liz Truss Honours, selfless Tories and Vote Leave apparatchiks are Taking Back Control TM by saving Joe Public the hassle of joining the House of Lords, and thus receiving a unelected job for life with a hefty salary and real, actual power - so brave. 

Filthy, disgusting ordinary people who have spent years helping to improve their communities and/or raising money for charity can be allocated shiny, but meaningless trinkets. They can even have a nice day out at Buckingham Palace - on the condition that they don't touch anything. 

Ironically, a good government would be improving communities and funding charities anyway, but, like most New Year's resolutions, that's toast by 2nd January.




'We're sick of explaining basic sh*t to Prime Ministers' sigh class of 7-year-olds



Miss Sherwood's class of 6 and 7-year-olds are fed up. This is the third time in two years that they have had to explain to another Prime Minister why it's not a good idea to do that.


'They keep popping round and pestering us,' sighed Chloe Bright of 3C. 'My best friend Millie has had to put up with this stupidity since she was four. They flounce in here like they own the place, but they don't even know the basics. That one with the silly blond hair wasn't even paying attention. He was just sitting there with a perplexed expression on his face. If we didn't tell him why it was not the best move to pick his bottom with his finger and lick it, then the photographers would have had a field day.


'And that nauseating woman... she didn't even understand the fundamentals of macro economics. They should have put her in the special class we are not allowed to talk about.


'Now this new one who is even smaller than Jamie, he's all chirpy and everything and at least pretends like he understands. But when his adult chums say something so dim that it makes you want to repeatedly smash your face on your desk, he doesn't correct them. He just pretends what they said was OK, like he doesn't know that sort of talk will get the rest of us in a whole heap of trouble. Why doesn't he realise that if he doesn't act, they're just going to carry on saying stupider and stupider stuff until we're all toast? If you can't communicate with others in a normal way or even dress yourself properly, then you shouldn't be allowed outside among other people, never mind try to run a country.


'Where do they get them from? Whichever school these numpty-dumpties went to, it should be shut down immediately.'


Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Updated: Oct 29, 2023


Remember that time in 2022, when Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng decided to let market forces run wild, only to be immediately removed from office by those self-same forces? Some Trussonomics that Rishi Sunak does fully endorse is limitless pay rises for bankers, which kicks in this Halloween. To be fair to Sunak, it is spookily difficult to work out how to pay for more than a million children to experience not just poverty, but destitution.


A Bankers Bonus Cap could even top off your Halloween outfit.


Shelley Stevenson said 'I tried to wear a Banker’s Bonus Cap as part of a "sexy Liz Truss" outfit, but unfortunately my head immediately span round 720 degrees, I began chanting in ancient Aramaic and projectile vomiting. Evil spirits began circling the pentagram I drew in my own blood. It definitely changes the vibe of a party.'


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