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National Lottery unveils 'what will Trump do next?' game


US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind.


'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation.


'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid.


'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and make himself life president, you'll get £1 million.


'A correct prediction that he will start arresting political opponents, critical journalists and comedians who mock him will get you £2 million.


'And there's a grand prize of £5m for accurately betting Trump will carry out a nuclear strike on Iran to try and force its surrender.


'These would clearly be terrible outcomes, but rest assured that all the proceeds from this exciting game will go to good causes, such as sending food parcels to Jimmy Kimmel.


'Oh, and anyone who made a bet that Trump would threaten to bomb Iranian power plants - a straight-up war crime - gets this week's bonus prize of £75,000.


'We suggest that the lucky winner could use the prize money to build a nuclear bunker in their back garden.'



Image credit: deep dream generator

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating




Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.


"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."


Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.


"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."


Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.


But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.


"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"


Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."


Author: Pagdog07



First published 10 Mar 2022



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Assisted dying to be decided by Wes Streeting coin toss



Opponents say safe guards have been watered down, but Ministers insist they have the very finest Magic Eight Ball. High Court judges will no longer determine consent, instead it will be a panel of experts, consisting of a six-sided dice, a roulette table and a pack of tarot cards.


Rather than rigorous checks, the determining factors will be are they poor, disabled and liable to leave all their money to Wes Streeting. Provided the applicant meets these strict criteria and they are sufficiently confused, then it's off to the knacker's yard.


The Bill in its current state includes provision for a large spinning 'wheel of death' to be hosted by Ant & Dec. The Minister said: 'People are upset about drawing lots, blindfolded from a bag of marbles but I say, life is random, it's a lottery. In this case, it will be a literal lottery on the BBC at 7pm. Good luck, Gran, I've got my fingers crossed!'




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