Cheeky Italian Red now also a weather warning

Italy is currently hotter than a ghost chilli lasagne at a bunga bunga party in the fires of Mount Etna. According to many British newspapers, the extremely high temperatures throughout Italy have ‘blown the bloody doors off’ and forced young attractive women to wear skimpy outfits and temporarily get off their scooters to frolic in a fountain with their equally attractive friends.

One Italian stereotype said 'Mamma mia, we need to make this weather an offer it can’t refuse. It’s a spicy meataballa'. He gestured theatrically at an imaginary referee.

Some in the Vatican have perceived the hellish temperatures as a nudge in the ribs from God, but as a screaming child ran in the opposite direction, a sweaty priest denied this. ‘What has the Catholic Church got to feel guilty about?’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.

A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’

Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.

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Mobsters to adopt Boots ‘3 for 2’ extortion racket

Mobsters have announced a brand new extortion racket, following intensive analysis of the Boots ‘3 for 2’ Christmas promotion.

Mafia families across the globe have spent the last few months in the aisles of Boots stores across the UK observing what they are now describing as one of the most lucrative and perfectly constructed means of extracting money that they have ever seen.

‘The basic grift goes like this’, explained Micky Fingers from the Miami-based Cabrini family. ‘You convince the customer to buy one thing which is massively overpriced and then bundle it up with another thing of even less value.’

‘Then you offer them a third thing of negative value - like a Ted Baker bottle opener or some garish socks with ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ written on them - and ba-da-bing - you’re printing money.’

‘They must have intimidating enforcers on the doors at Boots’, continued Cabrini. ‘How else could you explain why someone would pay £15 for 3 small ‘beers of the world’ that you could get in Tesco for a fiver?’

‘When we saw the miniature Nando’s hot sauce with a little oil drizzler bottle packaged up for £20, it took our breath away’ continued Cabrini. ‘In terms of pure extortion, it’s a thing of beauty.’

Mobsters still have some work to do before they can rollout the scheme, as they are struggling to work out the complex extortion ratios that result when the 3 for 2 offers are discounted by 66% on Boxing Day.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/