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Liz Truss 'most morally repulsive woman in the world' say scientists



A group of scientists who designed a computer programme which is able to calculate how morally repugnant a person is by assessing their facial characteristics, has announced Liz Truss is the world’s most morally repulsive woman, despite late pressure from Suella Braverman.


The programme is based on the study of physiognomy, and uses facial mapping techniques to work out how morally repellent a person is, and then gives a score using a rating system known as ‘The Moral Munter Scale’.


Liz Truss was said to be delighted by the news, especially when she heard the title had previously been awarded to Margaret Thatcher.


Other female moral mingers who rated highly in the study are serial killers Lucy Letby, Beverley Allitt, Myra Hindley and Rose West, and that woman who put a cat in a bin.


After spending several weeks focusing on the moral repugnance of these women, all 12 scientists who worked on the project needed to receive counselling for post-traumatic stress disorder. They are all still being kept under heavy sedation to control the night terrors and panic attacks.



Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium



Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.


Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'


'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.


'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.


'Are you here about the economy?'


'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.


Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.


'Does she want it to go up? Down?'


'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.


'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.


'Of course. They’re an item now'.


'What about interest rates?'


'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.


'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'


Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.


And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.


Vandals criticised over time it took to deface Thatcher memorial



Vandals in the Lincolnshire town town of Grantham have been heavily criticised for the time it took them to deface a bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher, when two whole hours had dragged by before people eventually started throwing eggs at the 15ft monstrosity.


Egg thrower Jason Beesley later apologised for not defacing the monument sooner but said it had been installed early on a Sunday morning and it had been difficult to source objects to throw at the former prime minister.


‘Sorry mate’ said Beesley ‘but eggs is all we had at the time. We will of course be lobbing pots of blue paint at the witch once B&Q are open. We realise two hours is an unacceptable time to have to wait…..ironically we had to get the eggs from a food bank as the corner shop formerly owned by the Thatcher family was forced out of business by the local supermarkets.


'As a former grocer’s daughter, I’m sure Thatcher would have approved of being defaced by our locally sourced eggs’.


Local businesses were said to be delighted that the memorial had eventually been erected and hoped it would attract other vandals to the town. A number of boarded up shops nearby have recently been sold and demand for eggs has gone through the roof.


Plans to hold an annual egg throwing contest are already under way in the little market town. The contest promises to be a ‘fun day out’ for all the family and over 10,000 former NUM members have already signed up for a chance to be the first official egg-thrower.


'Ironically, the demand for miners has never been greater' said Beesley 'a whole new industry dedicated purely to defacing Thatcher's memorial has been created. So you see....despite what she said, there really is such a thing as society after all'.



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