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Government unveils new mental health strategy

With the amount of people diagnosed with mental health problems increasing, the Government has announced a new drive to reduce numbers which involves asking people to try not having the issues that are afflicting them.


"There's been a spike of people, particularly those still in school, who have been diagnosed as suffering depression, anxiety, panic attacks and all other kinds of mental illnesses" stated a spokesperson close to Health Secretary Wes Streeting "and after looking into the issue at length I've decided the best way to get figures down and improve mental health is to declare that these things aren't actually conditions and people just need to start cheering up"


Streeting's aide explained under his new mandate many forms of supposed mental illnesses are to be reclassified. For instance 'Depression' will be renamed as 'Really Fed Up', 'Anxiety' will be labelled 'Overthinking Things' and ADHD will be reclassified as 'Nothing a Good Telling Off Won't Solve.'


"According to some Reform voters I spoke to the other day, because we're very keen to know their thoughts on everything at the moment" the spokesperson continued "when they were kids if you misbehaved at school you were given a beating. Now you get a hug and are diagnosed with autism, and if they're thinking that then it's the kind of thing we want to put a stop to. I'm fairly certain if depressed people try getting out of bed and going for a walk instead of sitting around watching Challenge all day they'll feel much better.


"I'm not suggesting of course that schools should go back to beating troublesome pupils... not yet, anyway. I do know that the Reform voters are quite keen to bring that back to let's see what happens."




The USA has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act



The USA has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act after a six-week stand off which saw 80 countries impacted and their security put at risk.


The UN has warned several countries to strength their defences over the past few days because they believed the USA was "planning military action against friendly countries."


The incident came to an end on Wednesday night following a stand off with police, when officers arrested the nation on suspicion of cultivation of fake news, conspiracy theories and offences under the explosives act.


Police said today that the 249-year-old nation has been sectioned under section 2 of the Mental Health Act 1983.


It has been bailed to return to Acton Police Station at a date in mid-September, while a mental health assessment is completed.


image from pixabay


Fight Blue Monday with sharp scissors


Are you ready for Blue Monday?


Blue Monday is 'the most depressing day of the year' and falls this year on January 20th. The day is associated with feelings of sadness, low motivation, and a lack of energy. But – good news! - you can take action to protect yourself from the doom and gloom.


While many commentators will blather on about exercise, mediation, and not going on a massive bender, here are more practical and down to earth steps that you can take:


1. Avoid dismal stories about Blue Monday. Journalists will be wheeling out their lazy stories about Blue Monday – probably the same one they used last year. You don’t have to put up with this. Buy a Sunday newspaper and make it last through Monday. Or buy your favourite magazine instead. (Remember magazines ? Those things you used to read in WH Smith and then put back on the shelf.) But definitely don’t buy a newspaper on Monday.


2. Replace that non-non-stick frying pan. Few things in life are as depressing as a worn out non-stick pan. Fried eggs that should slide out easily are welded to the black bit on the pan, and get completely banjaxed as you try to lever them off with a spatula. Spare yourself. Replace that pan today!


3. Replace scissors that don’t work. Hot on the heels of dodgy pans are blunt or loose scissors. You know, the ones that chew feebly at plastic bags or bend your fingernails over instead of cutting them. Depressing, but fixable. Fight Blue Monday with a new pair of sharp scissors.


4. Sort out tax returns. Yes, they are due at the end of January, so you’ve messed it up again for this year. Make a diary note to do your tax return in December this year, so you can avoid a dismal January next year.


Finally, remember that there is no science behind Blue Monday.


Charities have co-opted it to promote mental health awareness and self-care, so – in a brilliantly self-defeating way - it gets more publicity than is healthy.


And social media likes to pile on and amplify the whole disheartening fiasco. So you should stay off social media on Monday as well. Instead, make a diary note to cut your fingernails with your new scissors.


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