With the amount of people diagnosed with mental health problems increasing, the Government has announced a new drive to reduce numbers which involves asking people to try not having the issues that are afflicting them.
"There's been a spike of people, particularly those still in school, who have been diagnosed as suffering depression, anxiety, panic attacks and all other kinds of mental illnesses" stated a spokesperson close to Health Secretary Wes Streeting "and after looking into the issue at length I've decided the best way to get figures down and improve mental health is to declare that these things aren't actually conditions and people just need to start cheering up"
Streeting's aide explained under his new mandate many forms of supposed mental illnesses are to be reclassified. For instance 'Depression' will be renamed as 'Really Fed Up', 'Anxiety' will be labelled 'Overthinking Things' and ADHD will be reclassified as 'Nothing a Good Telling Off Won't Solve.'
"According to some Reform voters I spoke to the other day, because we're very keen to know their thoughts on everything at the moment" the spokesperson continued "when they were kids if you misbehaved at school you were given a beating. Now you get a hug and are diagnosed with autism, and if they're thinking that then it's the kind of thing we want to put a stop to. I'm fairly certain if depressed people try getting out of bed and going for a walk instead of sitting around watching Challenge all day they'll feel much better.
"I'm not suggesting of course that schools should go back to beating troublesome pupils... not yet, anyway. I do know that the Reform voters are quite keen to bring that back to let's see what happens."
The USA has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act after a six-week stand off which saw 80 countries impacted and their security put at risk.
The UN has warned several countries to strength their defences over the past few days because they believed the USA was "planning military action against friendly countries."
The incident came to an end on Wednesday night following a stand off with police, when officers arrested the nation on suspicion of cultivation of fake news, conspiracy theories and offences under the explosives act.
Police said today that the 249-year-old nation has been sectioned under section 2 of the Mental Health Act 1983.
It has been bailed to return to Acton Police Station at a date in mid-September, while a mental health assessment is completed.
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