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Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course




Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.


The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'


Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.


In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.




First published 22 May 2023


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Row as Gove's lift doors aren't welded shut



An enquiry has been launched at Broadcasting House following delays yesterday in a welding team to arrive to weld shut lift doors containing Michael Gove.


A spokesman explained the chain of events; "At around 8am, Mr Gove entered, what I now understand, was a specially prepared lift. Unfortunately, notification of this wasn't passed onto the UK Risk Containment Board and the welding team wasn't scrambled until it was too late and Mr Gove had escaped, er, left the lift."


It's understood that the lift containing Mr Gove was planned to be sold to a group of somewhat irate fishermen.





First published 11 Jan 2022


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Gove approves 200 miles of new canal



Michael Gove has finally backed the construction of 200 miles of artificial waterways across the north of England despite nobody having used the existing ones since Queen Victoria first gagged on Prince Albert’s prince albert. Environmental enthusiasts were at a loss to know what to say about the Schrödinger style proposal as it could be looked upon as both a brilliant idea benefitting the environment and an utterly insane idea trashing the environment.


Tories hope the initiative will help revive flagging interest in the party and help boost donations. Gove also hinted at the building of new Grammar schools along the banks of the canals, the erection of hangman’s gallows across the Yorkshire dales and free gymkhana lessons for all pony club members.


Canals - once the lifeblood of industry and commerce back in the 18th century but still fresh in the minds of some Tory members - could make a comeback under Tory levelling up plans. ‘London has the recently opened the Elizabeth Line and Crossrail, and the exciting Thameslink project connecting parts of the city is under development as we speak. So, it is only fair that the north of England also gets an upgrade on its transport infrastructure’, said Gove, adding, ‘and what better way to prove we are serious about our levelling up commitments than the building of a new canal’.


It is hoped the new canal will carry coal from the new Cumbrian mine near Whitehaven to exporting hubs around the north.


The secretary of state also said opening a new coal mine would create all sorts of job opportunities for people as young as 7-8 years old…especially in the field of flue maintenance and disposal of amorphous carbon particles.


Michael Gove is MP for Surrey Heath.




First published 10 Dec 2022


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