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Gove approves 200 miles of new canal



Michael Gove has finally backed the construction of 200 miles of artificial waterways across the north of England despite nobody having used the existing ones since Queen Victoria first gagged on Prince Albert’s prince albert. Environmental enthusiasts were at a loss to know what to say about the Schrödinger style proposal as it could be looked upon as both a brilliant idea benefitting the environment and an utterly insane idea trashing the environment.


Tories hope the initiative will help revive flagging interest in the party and help boost donations. Gove also hinted at the building of new Grammar schools along the banks of the canals, the erection of hangman’s gallows across the Yorkshire dales and free gymkhana lessons for all pony club members.


Canals - once the lifeblood of industry and commerce back in the 18th century but still fresh in the minds of some Tory members - could make a comeback under Tory levelling up plans. ‘London has the recently opened the Elizabeth Line and Crossrail, and the exciting Thameslink project connecting parts of the city is under development as we speak. So, it is only fair that the north of England also gets an upgrade on its transport infrastructure’, said Gove, adding, ‘and what better way to prove we are serious about our levelling up commitments than the building of a new canal’.


It is hoped the new canal will carry coal from the new Cumbrian mine near Whitehaven to exporting hubs around the north.


The secretary of state also said opening a new coal mine would create all sorts of job opportunities for people as young as 7-8 years old…especially in the field of flue maintenance and disposal of amorphous carbon particles.


Michael Gove is MP for Surrey Heath.




First published 10 Dec 2022


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Tories refuse to be in opposition



The Conservative Party’s last attempt to blackmail voters is to refuse to act in opposition to a Labour government.


A spokesman said, ‘Being in opposition is hard work, thankless and boring.  There are no perks in opposition, little chance of bungs from interest groups, and relatively few opportunities to make money on the side with betting.   So we are warning voters that we absolutely won’t bother to oppose anything a Labour government wants to do.  Of course, we will vote against them in the House, but don’t expect us to explain how their plans could be better, or to propose alternative options.


'Be warned!  You’ll get every boring thing in the dull old Labour manifesto – and more.   You will get surprises on spending cuts, surprises on spending plans and surprises on tax.   And we won’t oppose any of it.   Our view will be that you – voters – are getting what you asked for, and everything that you deserve.


'The Tory party will be officially on furlough, on leave, on holiday and on a break. We’ll be having a whale of a time with recriminations, the blame game, not right enough, not centre enough, not truthful enough, not lying enough.   Rishi will be "knifed".   Hopefully Gove will be around to do that for us.  Then we’ll be having a long and drawn out leadership challenge.  Boris and Liz will make a lot of pointless noise as they try to come back.   Other people you’ve never heard of will be making their leadership pitch.  


'Tory grandees who lost their seats will be moaning and bitching, and writing tedious articles in the papers about how you voters got it all so wrong.  After all that, we’ll have a long and drawn out process of thinking about a merger with nutters from other parties (I can’t say which ones).  Then we’ll have some more time off.  We won’t have any time to say anything sensible about government plans.


'We’ll be doubling down on all the policies you hated.   Revenge is a dish best served cold.   We’ll be serving up the same cold and watery policies at the next election.  That will save us wasting ltime thinking up new policies.  You’ll come round eventually.   Might be five years.   Might be ten.  Might be fifteen or twenty.  Think about that.


'So, voters, remember this. A vote for Labour is a vote for Labour.  And if, as a result, anything happens that you don’t like, then TOUGH.   We can’t help you and we strongly believe it’s our duty not to help you. The Lord helps those who help themselves, and Lord knows, we’ve helped ourselves.


Toodle-oo!'

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